Health, Writing

Knock on Wood

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charlie2

I am not superstitious, but I hesitate to write this post the way people are afraid of speaking blessings out loud because the devil might steal them or people knock on wood that they have been spared.  Part of me is thrilled.  Part of me is scared.

The thrilled part would like to announce that, as of today, I am pain free.  Gone is my cane.  Gone is my limp.  Gone is the agony with every step that dictated all my plans and efforts on a daily basis.  I am on day 5 of my cleanse, and as promised, my pain is gone.  My healer actually said it might take the full 14 days, but I’m not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth.  I am not comfortable, per say, but I am free of pain.  What I feel now is weakness in muscles that have not been used properly for far too long.  There is also tightness and difficulty with movement in my joints, like they are unaccustomed to moving.  Much still needs to be done to recover fully, but to be given a day off from pain.  My eyes fill with tears of joy and relief as I write this.  I must re-learn to walk properly, use mindful walking, and not overdo it.  I must walk before I run, metaphorically speaking…or perhaps quite literally.  I never thought I would do either again in this lifetime.  I have dreams of running the same as dreams of flying.  Both are desires my body has not been capable of lately.

Now the scared part must rear its fearful head.  What if this reprieve is temporary?  How many days do I have?  One, two, a week?  What if it is only a side-effect of the cleanse and as soon as that is over my pain returns?  Perhaps I will be like Charley in Flowers for Algernon, all too aware of my impending decent back to my normal, which is unacceptable.  I want this to be my new normal.  I am not able to just stay in the now and appreciate a day free of pain.  I want to forecast the future and in the process drive myself crazy.  I know I am supposed to stay in the present, focus on the here and now, be content with this moment of pain-free existence that is enveloping me in peace.  Perhaps admitting my fear gives it less control over me.

7 thoughts on “Knock on Wood”

  1. I’m blown away by your reference to flowers for Algernon. I’m suffering from post concussion syndrome and as I await the return of the normal function of my brain I have often told people I feel like Algernon. I suppose its more appropriate that I feel like Charlie as I’m always wondering if I have reached the bottom or if I’m heading back up towards normal. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you are on the true path to recovery.

    Creating desire

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    1. You sound quite fabulous in your Charlie state, so I can’t wait to hear your comments when fully recovered. Your feedback is appreciated. It is wonderful to find others who can relate, whether literarily or physically. Nourish yourself and give your brain all the time it needs to rest. I work with patients who have had brain injuries and they always, always, always need more rest than people realize.

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    1. I work in a treatment facility for youth. I’m an English teacher by day and mental health tech by night. At least half of our kids have brain injuries/issues that have brought them to us. The other half have behavioral/emotional problems without obvious brain injury to show for it (still brain-related, though.) I am not a medical professional. I just have 14 years of experience being around kids who are in recovery of some form or another. I read a book called My Stroke Of Insight that was very eye-opening about brain recovery after a stroke. I know that is different from your situation, but it made me realize just how wrong we sometimes approach healing and recovery in general. Of course, listen to your doctors, but as with any recovery, listen to your body, as well. Rest when you feel tired…for as long as you need to feel rested. It is different for everyone.

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      1. Thank you for your kind reply to my question. I have read that book by Jill Bolte Taylor and found it incredibly inspiring. I am now receiving treatment from a chiropractor and feeling a little better. Thank you

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