Category Archives: Writing

David Sedaris

I had so much fun attending a reading by David Sedaris last night.  I was up in the highest most dizzying section of Bass Concert Hall -row X- suffering from occasional waves of claustrophobia.  To my left was my good friend Debbie, who sent me the link to the event in the first place knowing my love of all things Sedaris.  To my right was my patient husband, humoring me with his presence since I accompanied him to an event of one of his favorite authors Neil Gaiman.

Debbie laughed hysterically, having never read anything by David Sedaris and finding his humor both offensive and alternately laugh-out-loud funny.  She was dabbing at the tears forced by her laughter the whole time.  My husband chuckled a few times, and only took away a horrible joke I would never ever repeat, even on threat of death.  Really, that was your favorite bit?  I was appalled.  David would be proud.  I laughed so hard at one point that I was unable to catch my breath and panicked a bit because I could imagine myself passing out and catapulting multiple stories to my death.  My husband said the railing 10 feet down would stop my descent.  That’s comforting.

Mr. Sedaris came out wearing culottes.  My first comment of the evening was, “Is that a kilt?”  Nope.  He proceeded to explain that these were one of his finds on a shopping trip to Tokyo.  He enjoys finding the oddest pieces on his shopping adventures.  Then he writes about them, especially pleased if he gets odd looks or comments from passers-by.  I looked up how to spell culottes and they are defined as “women’s trousers, knee-length, usually cut to resemble a skirt.”  Yep, that is exactly what he was wearing.

We didn’t stay for the book signing.  I’ve done that before and it is underrated.  He is a character, but I would rather admire him from afar than have actual personal contact.  When I met him at a book signing years ago before he got so famous, I gave him a copy of one of my short stories, merely for his entertainment.  He wrote me back, a postcard, saying he read the story on the plane flight home and found it entertaining.  I got a kick out of that.

He has many critics, I’m sure.  He can’t be politically correct to save his life.  He cusses, has absolutely no filter, reads pages of his diary that make even die-hard fans squirm in their seats, then poses questions and ideas that make people want to throw rotten tomatoes at him.  I love that he is that brave, that honest, that humble.  He doesn’t take himself seriously at all.  He doesn’t really seem to care what anyone thinks of him.  He just tells funny stories of the world as he sees it and that makes me happy.

I am nowhere near as brave, as curious, as fascinated by the macabre, or as willing to let my freak flag fly as David Sedaris, but I am certainly a voyeur who enjoys reading about his adventures.  I appreciate his humor, his opinions, his observations, and his ridiculousness, and am thoroughly entertained by it all.

me talk pretty

This is my favorite book by David Sedaris so far.  They are all great, but I laughed out loud the most while reading this one…and have returned to it the most to share with others.

Once Upon a Time – (Day 30)

I have to finish these sentences:

Once upon a time there was:  a woman who thought she was fine all by herself.

Every day:  she worked, took care of her kids, spent time with friends, and enjoyed her alone time.

One day:  she met a young handsome man who she thought she could have a silly fling with no strings attached.

Because of that:  she fell in love and realized she wanted to spend her life with him.

Until finally:  she asked him to marry her and he said yes.

 

This would get me fired…(Day 29)

Today’s assignment is to write about something that would get me fired.

I teach in a psychiatric facility, so the types of things that would get me fired are telling detailed stories about my students, using their names, birth dates, and physical descriptions such that people would be able to figure out who they are.

Also, other fire-able topics to write about include:  having an inappropriate relationship with a student, dissing my immediate boss, revealing my true feelings about the biggest boss of my company, claiming to have abused children in any way, blogging about deep drug or alcohol addiction issues currently raging in my life, pornography, doing jail time, or admitting to murder.

It would be nice to have the freedom to write about absolutely anything I feel like, but it is also nice to get a paycheck and to be trusted with the private confidential information of others as I help them to heal.  When my kids were little they would try to get details out of me about my students because I told them I was like an FBI agent who couldn’t share anything, legally bound and all.

I will tell a brief hodge-podge of craziness that has occurred in my classroom in the last month with scrambled names, genders, and identities to protect privacy:

Sam had a laughing fit that lasted almost 20 minutes.  Uncontrollable, insane, maniacal laughter that ended in tears.  The mania was a result of stopping a certain medication that resulted in hysterics.  Lisa stood up, headed for the door, gave the peace sign, and took off running.  She is quite the track star, so no one could catch her, except the police a few hours later when she turned up at a gas station asking to borrow a phone.  Ben threw up all over the bathroom…literally…all over…in the sink, around the toilet, on the floor, in the trash can, on the door…everywhere except in the toilet.  Sofie is a psychpath and coordinated a plan to sneak into the bathroom with another girl to perform oral sex.  Josh fell asleep on the floor in the middle of the classroom and peed on himself.  Such is my life…

And somehow we still manage to learn about Shakespeare, write poetry, edit essays, debate political ideologies, learn vocabulary, have spelling bees, and share personal narratives to make your heart break.  Today we wrote about bullying after watching Shane Koyczan’s To This Day.  Then we discussed propaganda and watched samples of hilarious commercials to demonstrate rhetorical devices.  We ended the class with planning products they could invent and sell – they will create their own advertisements.  It was a good day.

Julian Fellowes – (Day 28)

Today’s assignment was to research someone who seemed to be an overnight success and find out the true story.  I decided to focus on the mind behind Downton Abby Julian Fellowes.

julian

Apparently, his big break was when he was asked to write the screenplay for Gosford Park because he knew so much about social classes.  At the time, he was an actor who had published a few romance novels under the pen  name Rebecca Greville, but no major successes.  That screenplay went on to win the Academy Award.  He went on to create Downton Abby.  Very cool.

Things didn’t actually happen overnight, though.  I did a little research and discovered that he worked as a small-parts actor since 1981.  The romance novels he wrote were back in the 70’s and he didn’t try his hand at  publishing again until 2002 with Gosford Park.  Now he has written three more novels and several tv shows.  That is a ton of hard work for a very long time.  It is not just one big break.  It is a lifetime of honing a craft, acting, living story so that he can write it better.  If he can work on his craft for over 40 years and still be going strong, I have no excuse!

Don’t Should on Yourself – (Day 27)

The topic tonight is to write about 10 things I could have done but didn’t.

  1. Majored in Spanish and moved to Honduras or Guatemala as a missionary.
  2. Married someone better suited to me the first time so I could have been happier in my first marriage.
  3. Found Salsa sooner.
  4. Been an astronaut.
  5. Stayed out of debt so I would be living comfortably now.
  6. Moved to Colorado and lived in the mountains.
  7. Kept ice skating after college.
  8. Been a better mother.
  9. Gone skydiving before joint problems made it unwise.
  10. Gone into computer science so I would now make three times what I do.

Forging a Signature – (Day 26)

This assignment is to reminisce about forging signatures.

I really don’t remember attempting to forge signatures when I was a kid.  I was a very honest child with a powerful conscience.  I was more afraid of doing the wrong thing than trying to avoid consequences for actual mistakes.  I did cheat on grading a peer’s quiz one time in exchange for her cheating for me.  It turned out I made a 100% legitimately and did not need her help.  She would have failed, though, and needed my fake assistance.  She broke down and told the teacher, though, and I got in trouble.

My children attempted forgeries, poorly done I might add, when they were in school.  One was my son signing his father’s name in pencil and erasing multiple times to try to get it right.  I don’t remember what it was…probably a note getting permission to leave school early or something.

I did sign my ex-husband’s name a ton back when we were married.  All of our documents, paperwork, his checks to put in the bank, anything bill related, school stuff for the kids.  He didn’t like doing any of that, so always just asked me to take care of it.  I got pretty good at signing his name fairly close to the way he did.  I guess it was forgery, except that I had his permission, so…it was just his laziness turned forgery on my part.

 

 

Translation – (Day 25)

Today’s assignment is to attempt to translate a quote from another language that I do not speak.

The quote:  “L’amour est l’emblème de l’éternité, il confond toute la notion de temps, efface toute la mémoire d’un commencement, toute la crainte d’une extrémité.”

Madame de Staël

My translation:  Love is an eternal symbol, though sometimes it feels fleeting, that begins by making memories, and turns into the ultimate expression.

Here is the actual translation:

“Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time, effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end.”

Madame de Staël

Time For Tea – (Day 24)

Today’s assignment was to ask someone out for coffee and then write about it.

I’m not a coffee drinker, but tea is right up my alley.  I found myself with some free time in the middle of the day, a rarity.  I asked my best friend Erica if she would like to get together and suggested either Cheesecake Factory or The Steeping Room.  My only hesitation on The Steeping Room was the need for a reservation, which also meant committing to a time schedule (which could fall through depending on many factors – mostly her busy workday and dealing with twin three-year-olds.)  She preferred The Steeping Room due to dietary gluten-free concerns and made the reservation for us.  She also offered to drive.  Apparently, she always gets “glutened” as she calls it when she goes to the Cheesecake Factory, despite the fact that they have a gluten-free menu and gluten-free options.

We talked about my pain level, marriage to my sweet husband, photography (her passion right now), her boys, our exes, my kids, my granddaughter, and my writing course I was finishing up.  She ordered Mexican Hot Chocolate with some alternative milk and a gluten-free grilled cheese sandwich that she adores.  I got Hibiscus Iced Tea and the Buddha Bowl – a hodgepodge of sweet potato, beans, chicken, greens of the day, grains of the day, and a delicious cashew dressing.  I crave it in between chances to eat there.

We bemoaned our fatness, talked about what has worked lately to sate appetite and manage cravings, reminisced about the good ol’ days when it was easier to lose weight and move…

Mostly, we just caught up on life and enjoyed some stolen moments in the middle of the day without children, grandchildren, work, or obligations.  It was a lovely time and will hopefully be repeated many more times in the future.

Backwards – (Day 23)

Today’s assignment is to:

Backwards it write but books favorite your of one from passage a copy.

“Are we as – equal, feet God’s at stood we and, grave the through passed had both if as just; spirit your addresses the spirit my is it:  flesh mortal of even nor, conventionalities, custom of medium the through now you to talking not am I.  You leave to me for now is it as, me leave to you for hard as it made have should I, wealth much and beauty some w”ith me gifted had God if and!  Heart much as full and – you as soul much as have I – wrong! think you? Heartless and soulless am I, little and, plain, obscure, poor, am I because, think you do? Cup me fro,m dashed water living of drop my and, lips my from snatched bread of morsel my have to bear can and? feelings without machine a – automaton an am I think you do.”

This is from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.