TRIGGER WARNING: This essay discusses misogyny, sexist language, colonial violence, racism, and references to lynching and death. These topics are examined in a literary and analytical context.
A feminist v. deconstructionist analysis of Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad reveals differing concepts relevant to the ideologies inherent in the worldview of the author. Because so few women are present in the text, a deconstructionist perspective is the more productive methodology for analysis; however, the few mentions of females exhibit misogynistic leanings.
Marlowe gets desperate for a job fitting his dreams and turns to a woman for help. “Then—would you believe it?—I tried the women. I…set the women to work—to get a job.” His comments reveal that he is ashamed of sinking to the level of someone who would need a woman’s help to procure employment, but her involvement works and successfully lands him the job he desires. He pays her a visit before heading for the jungle and is once again internally demeaning when she says, “You forget, dear Charlie, that the labourer is worthy of his hire.” He thinks, “It’s queer how out of touch with truth women are. They live in a world of their own… It is too beautiful altogether, and if they were to set it up it would go to pieces before the first sunset” (Conrad). Marlowe thinks women are unable to fathom the realities of his hard man’s world and create a nicer imaginary version with which to soothe their fragile nerves.
Kurtz seconds this mentality when he is quoted as saying, “Girl! What? Did I mention a girl? Oh, she is out of it—completely. They—the women, I mean—are out of it—should be out of it. We must help them to stay in that beautiful world of their own, lest ours gets worse” (Conrad). He implies that the separateness of their worlds somehow keeps the men less barbaric than they might become if the women join in on the mayhem, or perhaps holding on to the illusion that women are treasures to strive for helps the men to keep their sights on something more than the horrors of their realities. This form of sex segregation and defense of female virtue is similar to the reasoning that led to lynchings in the American South because white women needed protection (Jordan 568).
After Kurtz’s death, Marlow speaks to the girl who had to be left “out of it” and a deconstructionist lens shows a binary of illusion/reality. “’Who was not his friend who had heard him speak once?’ she was saying. ‘Yes, I know,’ I said with something like despair in my heart, but bowing my head before the faith that was in her, before that great and saving illusion that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness…’ ‘And of all this,’ she went on mournfully, ‘of all his promise, and of all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—’ ‘We shall always remember him,’ I said hastily” (Conrad). She does not realize the level of absurdity to which her words rise when speaking of Kurtz’s ability to win friends. He inspires devotion through fear and intimidation as far as the natives are concerned. She clings to the illusion that her love was a great man who was noble and generous. The meaning behind Marlowe’s insistence that he will remember Kurtz holds a completely different connotation than the mourner’s illusory memories. She mourns a man she thought she knew or knew when the man was in polite society surrounded by creature comforts and minimal moral dilemmas to face. Marlowe knew the man Kurtz became when thrust into the harsh environs of the jungle, left to discover his basest desires, with no moral arbiter to keep him in check.
A paradox arises from the different realities the two speakers experienced related to Kurtz. It is the dimension Plato invites us to analyze “of a pure becoming without measure, a veritable becoming‐mad, which never rests. It moves in both directions at once. It always eludes the present, causing future and past, more and less, too much and not enough to coincide in the simultaneity of a rebellious matter…The paradox of this pure becoming, with its capacity to elude the present, is the paradox of infinite identity” (Deleuze). This slippery reality can be traced through every scene in Heart of Darkness.
Deleuze, Gilles. “What is Becoming.” Rivkin, Julie; Ryan, Michael. Literary Theory: An Anthology, 3rd edition. Wiley Blackwell.
Jordan, Emma. “Crossing the River of Blood Between Us: Lynching, Violence, Beauty, and the Paradox of Feminist History.” The Journal of Gender, Race & Justice, Georgetown University Law Center, pp.568, January 2010, scholarship.law.georgetown.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1117&context=facpub
TRIGGER WARNING: This piece analyzes Heart of Darkness and includes references to colonial violence, racism, cannibalism, gender exclusion, and psychological themes. Reader discretion is advised.
A psychoanalytic reading of Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals the inner journey of a man immersed in the horrors of human evil. In one scene Marlowe connects with the natives who are fending off a supposed attack by creating a ruckus. “They howled and leaped, and spun, and made horrid faces; but what thrilled you was just the thought of their humanity—like yours—the thought of your remote kinship with this wild and passionate uproar. Ugly. Yes, it was ugly enough; but if you were man enough you would admit to yourself that there was in you just the faintest trace of a response to the terrible frankness of that noise, a dim suspicion of there being a meaning in it which you—you so remote from the night of first ages—could comprehend” (Conrad part II). He admits that somewhere within his subconscious there is a sense of recognition of the self, a primordial collective consciousness (Ivonin). When he realizes that the cannibals in his employ are probably getting hungry, he looks at the people through their eyes. “I perceived—in a new light, as it were—how unwholesome the pilgrims looked, and I hoped, yes, I positively hoped, that my aspect was not so—what shall I say?—so—unappetizing: a touch of fantastic vanity which fitted well with the dream-sensation that pervaded all my days at that time” (Conrad part II). Cannibalism falls into the category of taboos in western culture that may be forbidden partly because “we have a deep and primitive desire to do it” (Schutt). It is interesting that Marlowe is hoping he looks more appetizing, perhaps revealing an inner need to be desired that has not been fulfilled as some sort of displacement mechanism (Freud).
A feminist reading of these same passages reveals completely different possibilities. When Marlowe hears the natives howling in the jungle, he does not even conceive of the fact that women might be a part of that great cacophony. It is a plea from one man to another, a negotiation between men. From Marlowe’s patriarchal perspective, no women would be a part of that age-old discussion because he envisions women on the sidelines in their huts caring for their children. The reality is that any of those cries could be resounding from women or men; he has no way of knowing (Tyson). The “wild and passionate uproar” is as much a female cry as male (Conrad part II). As concerns the cannibals, women are once again left out of the discussion, but Marlowe has been away from any female sexual attention for a long time at this point. Perhaps any attention would be welcome, even from male cannibals. It could be that Marlowe is subconsciously forgetting gender assignments for a moment and thinking simply as a human (Rich). He may not even realize how desperately he wishes for someone to want him in this terrifying jungle.
It seems on a cursory reading that a psychoanalytic reading would reveal the most information because Marlowe is sharing his inner thoughts and opening the door to deep digging into his psyche. There is little mention of women in the piece, so most of the feminist critique will come from a place of absence. However, what little is said of women is prime for analysis because Marlowe’s observations are so clearly dismissive and fearful of women in a way that would be interesting to flay.
Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.
Story Structure:
The Dark Side of Yuma is a young adult fantasy romance novel that will be written in chapters. Each chapter will be written in the third-person limited perspective from the point of view of different characters. For instance, I imagine the opening chapter as being told through the eyes of Ibeji, a traveler in the desert who proclaims that his kingdom extends as far as the eye can see just before he passes out on his camel-like creature from dehydration and exposure to the two suns in the sky. This will actually be a flash-forward. The second chapter will begin in medias res with a young prince Olorun learning of the death of his father the king, mother, sister, and a number of palace staff to a virulent illness.
The death of Olorun’s father is the inciting incident that leads to his crowning, expectation of marriage, and beginning his rule. His one remaining younger brother Kwento survived the sickness and is raised in Olorun’s household. The intricacies of the patriarchal society unfold alongside his first love affair with his young wife as the new king learns to rule. Interesting laws of note include a merit-based society that can only be circumvented by redemption (i.e. wealth), failing to prove oneself results in slavery, and each country must send resources including choice slaves yearly to the service of the religious structure and/or royal family. Interesting customs of note include a living wage for all citizens, freedom of religion and culture (as long as basic laws are met), and clear dark skin bias that is apparent in all transactions. Women prove merit by giving birth to a child and men prove merit by advancing any field as judged by a panel of elders. Olorun’s first wife is unable to bear children, so Olorun begins a quest for a wife who can birth an heir. Daughters do not count, so Olorun ends up with six wives before twin sons are born (an heir and a spare.) The saga of finding wives will be its own storyline that shows the perspective of several different women and slaves in the household.
The inciting incident that leads to the second act will be Ibeji’s birth as told through the eyes of the midwife Abeabah. He is actually the firstborn, but has obvious skin pigmentation issues, so the midwife switches him with his brother and declares Imana firstborn. The same night of the heir’s birth, the king’s brother Kwento and all his family are killed in a house fire. Ibeji must struggle from early on to overcome judgement for his skin issues (a condition like Vitiligo) and being the second-born always runner-up to his brother in his parents’ eyes. He excels in every way and overcomes numerous obstacles on his path to proving himself including earning his manhood by finding the lost crown of Olokun, the goddess of the sea. Several chapters will be written from the perspective of Ibeji’s main slave, other siblings in the royal family including Odafin (a brother from another mother), and Ala the first wife who was never able to give the king a child. The decision of Olorun to retire and crown Imana king creates a conflict for Ibeji. He must decide what he wants to do with his life. In the midst of all the coronation activities he foils a plot by a radical organization to kill the heir by posing as his brother. His reward from his father is anything he asks for. Ibeji asks to rule some part of their world, to help his brother. King Olorun says that cannot be done. The whole world from the mountains to the sea are ruled by one king. So Ibeji asks to rule whatever is beyond the mountains and the sea. The king consents, believing such a quest to be a death sentence for his son.
Ibeji and his crew set out for beyond the mountains and the sea in act three of the narrative and experience more adventures like shipwreck, cannibals, mountain creatures that steal sight, and an endless desert that drives people insane. The story circles back to the opening scene with Ibeji unconscious, alone in the desert, near death. This chapter is from the perspective of a military woman on patrol who finds him and checks for a pulse. She puts a piece of plant between his bottom lip and teeth, then drags him on a stretcher to a camp. Her thoughts flash back to a memory of finding another man in the desert with a similar tattoo some 20 years past. He pleaded for his wife and children to be saved, but they were all dead by the time they were found. This soldier vowed then and there to search harder and faster as soon as one was found and since then had saved over 88 people from the desert. She went on to fall in love with the man she found and he became her beloved. Flitting moments of consciousness through the eyes of Ibeji reveal that some of his party have also been rescued and the camp they have been brought to is a lush oasis with beautiful women, plenty of resources, and a completely different society than they have ever seen. It is a matriarchal system with women running everything and men being seen as less-than. He is introduced to his uncle Kwento that he had only heard stories of. He is told the truth about his family’s fate, that all are killed with the death of the king or the birth of the next heir. By way of resolution, he and his crew are welcomed into the oasis society as long as they are willing to follow the rules and make themselves useful. The strangeness of this new society is barely introduced by the end of the novel, but enough to pique the interest in another novel to come about The Bright Side of Yuma.
Character Objective:
Ibeji desires to prove his worth and compensate for his mottled skin coloring. Ultimately, he wants to rule a kingdom.
Scene Breakdown:
Ch. 1 – Ibeji perspective – Ibeji is on a camel-like creature the size of a giraffe with zebra stripes the color of sand. He is barely conscious and fading. There is dessert as far as the eye can see. He passes out and falls from the giant creature. The creature keeps walking.
Ch. 2 – Olorun perspective – The 15-year-old young man is told that his family is dead except for him and his younger brother Kwento. He will now be crowned king, must marry quickly, and begin his reign.
Ch. 3 – Ala perspective – This young 15-year-old girl falls in love immediately with King Olorun. Their romance is sweet and tender. After an exciting pregnancy, their first son is stillborn. They both grieve, but comfort one another and will keep trying.
Ch. 4 – Sulola perspective – She is chosen as a 2nd wife for Olorun because Queen Ala continues to have miscarriages. Sulola is ordered to give her firstborn child to Queen Ala when it is born; but begin by showing life in her country…peaceful and pleasant, happy family, but she is too beautiful…chosen as the girl to be given to the higher purpose (doesn’t know until she gets to the island that she will be a queen)
Ch. 5-7 – Kwento perspective – tell of Sulola’s daughter, proves self, falls in love with Sulola, gets her pregnant, king marries again and gets wife pregnant, Sulola has not been with the king in a long time so they hatch a plan for her to petition the king to give her a child, go in to the king and get him really drunk, tell him afterward that they had sex, Kwento gets married, son, Sulola has her own daughter (by Kwento), Obba 3rd wife also has daughter
Ch. 8 –Lulu Isoken’s mother – tells of her daughter being taken 4th wife, gives birth to twin daughters
Ch. 9 – Mobo perspective – Proves self, name changed to Ogun. Chosen as the gift from a country to go to the island because he was the best swordsman. Fine with it because he only wanted to serve. 14 when he proved himself and was chosen. Leaves family behind.
Ch. 10 – Maha 5th wife’s servant perspective – 5th wife, pregnant with son (she believes), did not have a baby within a year, so Olorun took a 6th wife, race to give birth, took herbs to try to have her son come out first
Ch. 11 – Sulola perspective – 2nd wife gets pregnant by Kwento again; tells Kwento she will go with him; then at the last minute goes to the King to be with him to ensure the baby is seen as a prince or princess; does not go with Kwento
Ch. 12 – Abeabah (Midwife) perspective – 6th wife having twins, switches babies at birth (hints of Ogun possibly seeing the switch); 5th wife also gives birth to baby shortly after the twins; news of Kwento and his family fleeing
Ch. 13 – Odafin perspective – best friends with Ibeji and Imana; adventures and scuffles at 9; oldest of 6 brothers; in line for the throne if the twins die; determined to keep them alive because he does not want to be a king. That looks super boring. The twins get a new brother.
Ch. 14 – Ibeji perspective – He decides to prove himself on the greatest quest ever! He wants to find the lost crown of Olokun, the goddess of the sea.
Ch. 15 – Ogun perspective – Tells of the quest. Sailing, battling sea monsters, the treacherous storms of the southern seas, reaching the black snows of the south, finding the cave where the crown has been hidden for thousands of years, and Ibeji retrieving the crown.
Ch. 16 – Ibeji perspective – The long trip home is easier now that they know how to avoid the pitfalls, the arrival home, meeting his new baby sister, and presenting the crown to king. He has proven himself and is now a man. (So has Odafin.)
Ch. 17 – Sulola perspective – She is having secret meetings with her birth daughter that was given to the first wife and their grandchildren because it makes Ala jealous when she sees them together.
Ch. 18 – Ibeji perspective – He goes along with Imana for him to prove himself on a journey to kill the three-horned beast of the eastern jungles. Multiple near death experiences bring them closer together, but Ibeji also starts to worry about Imana’s ruthlessness.
Ch. 19 – Zane (Sulola & Kwento son) perspective – A tournament of champions takes place in the capital of Szansila. Zane wins the bow and arrow competition (proving himself); His brothers win many prizes, too. Imana wins the curved sword competition, but kills his competitor rather than sparing him. Ibeji does not agree with his choice. Ibeji wins the overall competition.
Ch. 20 – Imana perspective – A battle with uprisers has been building. Now that he and Ibeji are 18, they will accompany their father to the lands where some of the troops are fighting. The rebels want the royal family destroyed, their own children not taken as slaves, women to have more equality, and relax the achievement requirements.
Ch. 21 – Ibeji perspective – Rebel woman captured and tells Ibeji tales of a world beyond the mountains where women rule and men are slaves. She is put to death, but before she dies she tells Ibeji his whole family will be dead soon anyway, so there is no point to all that he is doing. Ibeji keeps pondering what she is talking about and decides she was issuing idle threats.
Ch. 22 – Olorun perspective – The battle must be won because the entire economic system depends on unity. He confers with Imana and they decide to slay all who are related to the rebels. I beji does not agree, but his wishes are not taken into consideration.
Ch. 23 – Ibeji perspective – Everyone is put to death whose men partook in the uprising. They squash the 11 countries that have banded together. They spare the young women as spoils of war to be concubines. Ibeji lets a household live while they are going door to door killing families. His brother comes along behind him and kills them. Ibeji is furious and confronts his brother afterward. Imana demands his obedience as he is his future king. Ibeji stands down.
Ch. 24 – Maha perspective – Imana is preparing to take over the throne and getting married. There is pressure on Ibeji to get married, as well and women are constantly being paraded in front of him as possible wives. Ibeji discovers the plot to kill and Ibeji decides to save him, though he tempted to let him die. Ibeji saves Imana.
Ch. 25 – Ibeji is offered whatever he likes for saving his brother and he asks for land to rule. His father grants him the land beyond the mountains and the seas. He starts planning; the king gives him a sword; Ibeji says his goodbyes.
Ch. 26 – Zane (Kwento’s son) perspective – He sneaks onto the ship as a stowaway; they head off with excitement; he steals food and hides behind a panel below deck. He sneaks around at night and falls in love with the whole adventure. He is eventually discovered below deck, but they are too far from home to turn around. They will send him back at the next port. Instead, his protector catches up by boat with the message from his mother that he may stay on in the journey if Ibeji will have him. She is not happy, but will let him be a man.
Ch. 27 – Ogun perspective – Land in port town and buy supplies to make it to the mountains; carts and horses, food and drinks. Ogun thinks this is a suicide mission but is with Ibeji to the end. It turns out he likes men…finds a brothel…
Ch. 28 – Odafin perspective – Gnome men are more dangerous than they appear. They must find a way to convince these mighty tiny warriors that they respect them in order to receive their help. Once accomplished by battling them like men, they are able to purchase the mountain equipment they need. They must weather mountain climbing in freezing cold temperatures. They are bundled up in furs, but some die on the mountain, including Ogun who cuts his own line to save Ibeji.
Ch. 29 – Kali (Woman servant) perspective – They make it to base camp on other side of mountain. She asks if they can just stay there. They purchase camel-type creatures, water flasks, linen garments and scarves that keep the sun from burning the skin. They start out in the rocky terrain, move on to grasslands that still have some pools of water, but it slowly turns to dry ground with cracks and eventually becomes sand as far as the eye can see; Bandits attack and kill a few and steal some camels and supplies.
Ch. 30 – Katsu (Military Woman) perspective – She is on patrol and finds Ibeji in the sand alive but unconscious.
Ch. 31 – Ibeji perspective – He wakes up at an oasis camp and is introduced to his Uncle Kwento; he learns of this matriarchal system that he must agree to comply with if he wants to live…then he may stay. He decides for his entire group that they will comply and all agree.
Ch. 32 – Maowai (Religious leader) perspective – She speaks to the congregation and says that danger has entered their realm. These are men from another world who claim to have power over women. “When some have come before, we have had to kill them, castrate them, imprison them, and blind them to keep them from hurting us. Nothing good comes from welcoming in this many men. The stars are speaking to me and it is not good.” It is revealed that one of Ibeji’s men has raped a girl, so he is put to death. Ibeji does not intervene because he has agreed to follow their customs.
Ch. 33 – Zane (Kwento’s son) perspective – Kwento realizes the boy is his and begins to ask him about his family. Kwento finds out Zane’s sister is alive and is surprised when Kwento begins crying. He takes Zane under his wing and teaches him the ways of the women’s world.
Ch. 34 – Ibeji perspective – He thanks the women for their kindness, but tells them he must move on because he must find a land he can rule. The women laugh at him because men don’t rule. Some of his group decide to stay with the oasis women, but the rest head off and are given their weapons back because they have earned trust. Maowai stares in disbelief and shakes her head cursing as they leave.
Significant Story Points:
The exposition could be considered chapters 2 through 11 since the character of interest is Ibeji and he is born in chapter 12. It will give the background, customs, history, and family lines of Ibeji to make his entire saga make sense. This is intended to be a 3-book series, so it makes sense to have quite a bit of background.
The climax is the collapse of Ibeji when he seems to fall to his death in the desert.
The falling action is Ibeji waking up in the oasis camp and learning the fate of his crew and the strange world he has found.
The denouement is Kwento’s discovery that Zane is his son.
The resolution is Ibeji’s willingness to learn the ways of the women, but still wanting to travel on to find the place he can rule.
Tension and resolution:
There are multiple points of tension between Ibeji and his brother as they are finding that they would rule in different manners.
There is tension as King Olorun marries woman after woman in hopes of the birth of a son and his plans are constantly thwarted. There is finally resolution when three boys are born on the same day.
Tension occurs between the 2 mothers of Ada and is only resolved by secrecy.
Tension exists between the families losing their children to the ruling class and religion. It will lead to conflict in the form of rebellion and war.
Tension occurs when Kwento runs away and asks Sulola to come with him. She must decide whether to stay in safety or go with her true love. The resolution is heartbreaking when she decides to remain.
Tension occurs in the scene with the rapist who cries out for Ibeji to save him from the death penalty, but Ibeji honors his commitment to the women of the community.
Conflict of Characters:
The main conflict is within Ibeji as he is deciding what he wants to do with his life since he cannot be the ruler of the land.
He must also deal with the conflicting ways in which society judges his skin condition, though he is in a position of privilege by birth.
He also has conflict with Imana because he does not agree with the way he wields his power.
The wives have conflict amongst themselves.
There is war that is literal conflict. It is also ideological because the rebels are wanting to change key human rights laws and make the world a safer place for all people, including women.
When Ibeji makes it to the world beyond the mountains and the sea, his entire world view conflicts with a matriarchal society.
Impact of Conflict:
Ibeji is forced to look at the reality of his father’s rule and his brother’s intentions as ruler. He is able to formulate the possibility of a different way of governing.
Ibeji begins to question the skin-biased culture in which he lives and begins to reconcile power and humility within himself.
Ibeji is still struggling by the end with the conflict that the Queens create. He does not know the answer, but has begun to believe that his father’s way is not the best.
He fights in the war, but begins to question his beliefs when confronted with valid arguments of the human rights abuses committed so that he can continue his way of life.
His mind is blown and he is still reeling at the end of the novel from the matriarchal society he has found. It is hinted that he assumes this is a strange little microcosm he has found and more than likely will be able to carve out his own kingdom elsewhere, which implies he still has more to learn in the next novel.
Setting Details – Place and Time:
This story takes place on Yuma, a planet in the galaxy Tamashi Hoikuen. Yuma is part of a binary solar system with five planets total. The orbit of Yuma around the two stars is widely elliptical creating 10-hour cycles of light and dark. Yuma has two moons, Chikara who orbits Yuma, and a moon’s moon Iwa who orbits Chikara. At any given moment, there may be two daystars and two moons in the sky, or none at all. Stars from their own galaxy and beyond are always visible when it is dark.
Only the eastern hemisphere of the planet will receive much attention in this first novel because it is telling the story of the dark side of Yuma. The main character Ibeji will traverse his known-world on adventures proving himself on missions of greatness. The known-planet holds a wide variety of climates (mostly inhabitable) with countries varying in culture, language, diversity of appearance, clothing, and traditions. Ibeji is from Oba Island and grew up in a mild climate with very short winters and very long summers in which to surf and enjoy adventures on and around the pristine beaches. His immediate siblings and his mother have their own castle on the island with a connecting mote to the main palace. Their mother can close the drawbridge at will and post her own guards if she needs to feel more secure. In technological advancement, an equivalent era to Earth might be the 16th Century, though advancements in astronomy are limited due to severe religious restrictions. The printing press exists and the entire hemisphere uses a common written language and sign language, though many others exist, as well.
I chose Yuma because I wanted to create a world from scratch that was half dark, half bright like the yin yang symbol. The dark side is a patriarchal society and the bright side is a matriarchal society. I want there to be strengths and weaknesses to both sides that can only be balanced when they decide to help one another.
Time and Profluence:
Each chapter will tell the narrator, legal and illegal dates in history to help keep track of the constantly changing perspectives and the timeline. For example, the first chapter title will include Prince Ibeji’s name, Year 1 King Imana’s reign, Year 10,021 Forbidden Calendar. The second chapter will go back in time to Prince Olorun, end of King Oyelowo’s reign, Year 9,984 Forbidden Calendar. For profluence, my intention is to using active verbs that indicate activity implying passage of time. In travels I will show people having to cover their eyes with masks to sleep even though it is light outside because it the time of sleep. Meals will be served, chores completed, plans hatched and carried out. The pace of the story should pull the reader to the end of the chapter and make them want to keep reading on to the next.
Story Development:
My main character will need to be born in a privileged setting to survive his skin condition in a society that values darker skin. Yet, it is also his position that will give him the training and power to possibly do something to help others in similar situations to his own someday. A hemisphere hemmed in by tall mountain ranges and seemingly impassable oceans, capped by deadly black snows, and no one with the desire to adventure beyond creates the perfect setting for someone who feels they have nothing to lose and everything to gain by proving themselves so dramatically. Ibeji is convinced land exists if he can overcome the obstacles and has the resources to attempt the journey. Only then can he find a world that is in some ways the flip side of his own and come to terms with the belief systems he has based his entire worldview on.
Archetypes:
Light v. Darkness – though I hope to flip this one a bit, with strengths and weaknesses existing within both lands. The bright side will have desserts, white sand beaches, and paler waters due to the currents on the planet.
The Threshold – Each challenge will essentially grant Ibeji entrance to another phase of his journey.
Innate Wisdom v. Educated Stupidity – Some things the servants are capable of will save Ibeji, surprising him (though I wouldn’t call him stupid and hope to live.)
Heaven v. Wilderness – Short stays in safe places will be welcomed rest and recuperation before venturing out on dangerous quests as part of the overall journey.
Water v. Desert – The story begins with Ibeji dying of thirst, and ends with him being rescued and taken to an oasis. Water will save him (and a strong woman carrying the water.)
These archetypes fit with the characters and journey undertaken to get Ibeji from one world to another and make him a better man because of it. It will still take another novel to make him fit to rule, but he will be on the right track.
Character Sketches:
Prince Ibeji Character Sketch
Prince Ibeji is the twin spare heir to the throne with a skin condition similar to vitiligo in a society that is positively biased toward darker skin. At the start of the novel he is 20 years old, 6 foot 5 inches tall, and his muscled frame is dressed in the remnants of a white turban and linen desert clothing to protect from the sun. The left half of his face is a deep ebony, but the other half is mottled with pale splotches. When the turban slips from his head, his thick dreadlocks fall halfway down his back, half stark white, half black. Ibeji’s posture belies training in formal etiquette, the lift of his chin and no fear of direct eye contact are indicative of royal blood. His insistence that people look at his face rather than away from him shows the internal struggle he continues to fight to overcome the prejudice and personal embarrassment at being so marked. He overcompensates with extreme achievement and is the best at a number of sporting events including surfing, fighting with the dagger, several instruments he has chosen to master, and one branch of mathematics that he took an interest in. He is fiercely loyal to his family and loves his baby sister (who is 6 at this point) more than anything on earth. He feels the need to continually prove himself to his father King Olorun and is willing to risk his life to find a kingdom to rule even if it means traveling beyond the known boundaries of his planet.
Character Profile
Basic Statistics
Name: Prince Ibeji son of King Olorun and Queen Jol Age: 20 at start of novel, then goes back in time to his birth Nationality: the royal family does not maintain a nationality as they rule the entire world Socioeconomic Level as a child: wealthy Socioeconomic Level as an adult: at the start of the novel, he is moderately wealthy for his world, but extremely wealthy for the new world he has “discovered” Hometown: Oba Island Current Residence: homeless wanderer roaming the desert on camel-back Occupation: Prince; N/A Income: money has never been an issue for him because he was born into royalty and is given all he needs or wants Talents/Skills: dagger fighting, sports in general and specifically surfing, mathematics, several instruments Salary: N/A Birth order: 1st born, but he thinks he is the 2nd born twin Siblings (describe relationship): twin brother Imana, close but competitive and begin to have different ideas about ruling that start to drive a wedge between them ; half-brother Odafin, very close – probably his best friend besides his twin; 11 year old full brother, 17 year old full sister, 6 year old full sister (that he adores); 7 half-sisters, 8 other half-brothers, 2 cousins that he thinks are half-siblings, but are actually fathered by his Uncle Kwento Spouse (describe relationship): N/A Children (describe relationship): N/A Grandparents (describe relationship): deceased Grandchildren (describe relationship): N/A Significant Others (describe relationship): N/A Relationship skills: suspicious of authentic kindness as he assumes everyone is judging his vitiligo or is only being polite out of obligation to his rank
Physical Characteristics
Height: 6 foot 5 inches Weight: 230 pounds Race: Oba race (black skin) Eye Color: brown Hair Color: half black, half white Glasses or contact lenses? N/A Skin color: black with vitiligo, left half of face black, other half mottled with pale splotches Shape of Face: chiseled, strong jaw Distinguishing features: vitiligo, thick dreadlocks that fall halfway down his back, half stark white, half black How does he/she dress? Royal garb, but at start of novel in white turban and linen desert clothing Mannerisms: fiddles with his dagger, posture belies training in formal etiquette, the lift of his chin and no fear of direct eye contact are indicative of royal blood Habits: (smoking, drinking etc.) a bit of a womanizer Health: strong and healthy – in the prime of life Hobbies: developing new talents that strike his fancy, pulling pranks on schoolmasters and religious clerics Favorite Sayings: Words mean nothing; Are you trying to die today? Speech patterns: formal diction due to training in royal language Disabilities: N/A Style (Elegant, shabby etc.): finest quality clothing available on the planet, can’t look shabby even when he tries Greatest flaw: overcompensates for his vitiligo and being the spare heir with accomplishments; distrustful of kindness in others because he thinks they are only doing so out of obligation and are really judging him silently for his skin Best quality: loyalty, perseverance Intellectual/Mental/Personality Attributes and Attitudes: extremely intelligent in an analytical way; closed-minded about the views he has grown up with until some experiences along the way in his adventure to the other side of the world opens his horizons a bit; cocky; thinks he’s the gods gift to women (except for the whole skin thing) Educational Background: full education that is offered to the royals Intelligence Level: super smart Any Mental Illnesses? N/A Learning Experiences: hands on learner; his adventures teach him even more than the classroom; but also digs into his studies Character’s short-term goals in life: achieve every possible goal he sets to prove himself to his father the king Character’s long-term goals in life: rule a kingdom of his own How does Character see himself/herself? Capable, just needs to be given a chance to ultimately prove himself How does Character believe he/she is perceived by others? Less-than because of his vitiligo, but he also knows he has earned respect due to his achievements How self-confident is the character? Extremely self-confident in his abilities, lacking in some self-esteem because of his vitiligo Does the character seem ruled by emotion or logic or some combination thereof? Logic, with an undercurrent of emotion What would most embarrass this character? Admitting failure
Emotional Characteristics
Strengths: compassionate, fair, loyal Weaknesses: easily angered, holds grudges, self-conscious about his vitiligo Introvert or Extrovert? Ambivert – loves to be the life of the party, but it drains him and then needs time to recuperate alone How does the character deal with anger? Snaps, then has to apologize With sadness? Does not admit sadness to himself, buries it With conflict? Addresses it head on With change? Very adaptable With loss? Has not really experienced much loss and doesn’t like to think about it What does the character want out of life? To prove himself to his father and rule a kingdom – ultimately to prove that he would be a good leader What would the character like to change in his/her life? Find a cure for his vitiligo, become a ruler, not let his vitiligo bother him What motivates this character? Achievement, proving himself to others to overcompensate for his vitiligo What frightens this character? failure What makes this character happy? Spending time with his baby sister (6 years old at the start of the novel), surfing/being out in nature on the island, family Is the character judgmental of others? He is judgmental of laziness or lack of achievement Is the character generous or stingy? He is generous, but he has not really earned any of the items or goods he shares with others Is the character generally polite or rude? polite Spiritual Characteristics: He is spiritual and follows the religious customs of the royal family; he is not above being a little sacrilegious for a laugh, though Does the character believe in God? yes What are the character’s spiritual beliefs? The gods determined the patriarchal order of the world, as well as the royal order of his family and the way each country is to contribute to the monarchy Is religion or spirituality a part of this character’s life? both If so, what role does it play? It is a very important part and will ultimately be a crisis for him when he finds another world with other religious beliefs How the Character is Involved in the Story: he will end up being the main focus by the end of the novel Character’s role in the novel (main character? hero? heroine? Romantic interest? etc.): hero Scene where character first appears: opening scene How character is different at the end of the novel from when the novel began: he has been humbled, thrown into a completely different world than he expected, but still determined to reach his goals and undaunted by the obstacles ahead of him
Prince Kwento Character Sketch
Prince Kwento is the only brother of King Olorun, the uncle of Prince Ibeji. He disappeared the night of Prince Ibeji’s birth, though he has quite the interesting backstory. He was orphaned at age 11 and grew up under the rule of his brother being schooled by the prophets, clergy, and educational system on the royal island. He grew to be a sturdy figure 6 feet tall with brown skin the color of dark caramel. He wears the traditional dreadlocks, though he keeps them a more manageable length since he does not think he will ever rule. He is skilled in painting and poetry, though he is also an expert longbow marksman. Kwento is romantically inclined, his head in the clouds at times about falling in love and finds himself smitten with a beautiful girl who turns out to be his brother’s betrothed. (She will be the 2nd wife.) Kwento tends to question the ways of tradition much more than most and it gets him into trouble often. Kwento yearns for freedom from the old ways and rigid structure of palace life.
Character Profile
Basic Statistics
Name: Prince Kwento son of King Oyelowo and Queen Fadekemi Age: he is 11 when he is first seen in the novel; when he is reintroduced at the end he is 47 Nationality: the royal family does not maintain a nationality as they rule the entire world Socioeconomic Level as a child: wealthy Socioeconomic Level as an adult: at the start of the novel he is one of the wealthiest people in his world, when he is reintroduced, he is poor Hometown: Oba Island at the start; reintroduced at an oasis camp Current Residence: Oba Island Occupation: Prince; N/A Income: money has never been an issue for him because he was born into royalty and is given all he needs or wants; he will learn to work to survive by the end Talents/Skills: painting, poetry, expert longbow marksman Salary: N/A Birth order: 2nd born son spare heir, 3rd born child Siblings (describe relationship): King Olorun – some animosity because his brother became an authority figure over him when their parents died, though just the day before they had been scuffling in the courtyard; 2 sisters – one older, 1 younger – both died when his parents did Spouse (describe relationship): Eriayomi – cordial, but not a relationship of passion; becomes all about the children; was in love with his brother’s 2nd wife Sulola and that was a relationship of passion Children (describe relationship): from Eriayomi – son 7, daughter 4, son 1 (all killed around those ages); from Sulola – Adana daughter 27, Zane son 19 (they do not know he is their father) Grandparents (describe relationship): deceased Grandchildren (describe relationship): has 3 grandchildren that he does not know about because he fled the country; he will find out about them when he reconnects with Zane at the end of the novel Significant Others (describe relationship): he is now in a strong relationship with Katsu, a military woman who patrols the deserts in the world “discovered” beyond the mountains and the sea Relationship skills: super romantic, girls fall for him easily, easy to talk to, kind
Physical Characteristics
Height: 6 foot Weight: 195 pounds Race: Oba race (black skin) Eye Color: brown Hair Color: black Glasses or contact lenses? N/A Skin color: black (brown the color of dark caramel) Shape of Face: square, strong jaw Distinguishing features: caramel skin color and dreamy brown eyes How does he/she dress? Royal garb and kind of likes pretty things, but at end of novel he looks rugged, windswept, and a bit tattered; clothing is more about necessity than appearance Mannerisms: daydreams, stares off into space formulating poems and picturing how he would paint whatever he is looking at Habits: (smoking, drinking etc.) falls in love too easily Health: strong and healthy Hobbies: painting, writing poetry Favorite Sayings: Quotes of the great poets of old like “Fire licks water to create love steam” Speech patterns: poetic, rambles a bit if given the chance Disabilities: N/A Style (Elegant, shabby etc.): likes elegant dress at the first, but not by the end Greatest flaw: easily angered Best quality: protective Intellectual/Mental/Personality Attributes and Attitudes: creative, extremely intelligent verbally; open-minded about the views he has grown up with and the possibility that other ways might be valid; loves women; Educational Background: full education that is offered to the royals Intelligence Level: smart Any Mental Illnesses? Some depression Learning Experiences: reader, gets all of his information from books Character’s short-term goals in life: love women and create art Character’s long-term goals in life: survive How does Character see himself/herself? As a survivor How does Character believe he/she is perceived by others? Less-than because he is the spare heir; expendable How self-confident is the character? self-confident in his appearance and verbal abilities, lacking in some self-worth because he is the spare heir Does the character seem ruled by emotion or logic or some combination thereof? Entirely by emotion What would most embarrass this character? Being unable to perform sexually
Emotional Characteristics
Strengths: romantic, gentle, caring Weaknesses: easily angered, lets his romantic urges take over instead of thinking things through Introvert or Extrovert? Introvert – enjoys one on one conversations, but prefers to be alone reding and painting How does the character deal with anger? Snaps, then has to apologize With sadness? Struggles, cries, lingers over the sadness With conflict? Tends to avoid With change? Struggles with change, wants things to stay the same With loss? Struggles, has never gotten over losing his parents, sisters, then eventually his wife and children. His whole life is characterized by loss, but he doesn’t know how to manage it. What does the character want out of life? Peace and safety What would the character like to change in his/her life? He would love to have a relationship with his children What motivates this character? Love What frightens this character? Fear that he won’t be able to protect his family What makes this character happy? Being in love, being with his children, art, poetry Is the character judgmental of others? somewhat Is the character generous or stingy? He is generous, but he has not really earned any of the items or goods he shares with others; at the end he is generous with his lack and that is more telling Is the character generally polite or rude? polite Spiritual Characteristics: He is spiritual and follows the religious customs of the royal family, though he questions often and does not agree with everything Does the character believe in God? yes What are the character’s spiritual beliefs? He believes there must be some truth to common threads in the religion of the two halves of the world, but he is not sure of exact truth; he has come to believe in kindness as a guiding principle Is religion or spirituality a part of this character’s life? More spirituality now If so, what role does it play? It is part of why he runs How the Character is Involved in the Story: he will end up being the person who tells the main character the truth about his family and their destiny. He will motivate the main character to eventually return and save his family. Character’s role in the novel (main character? hero? heroine? Romantic interest? etc.): uncle to the main character and moral balance Scene where character first appears: chapter 2 How character is different at the end of the novel from when the novel began: he has been humbled, thrown into a completely different world than he expected, and has found what really matters in life
Character Interaction
Prince Ibeji and his Uncle Kwento will not meet until late in the novel, but the information Kwento shares with Ibeji will send him into a tailspin. Kwento proposes an overthrow of the kingdom in order to save the lives of people Ibeji loves. It will make him question his faith in the world he knows. Ibeji wants to find his own kingdom to rule, but Kwento makes a case for returning home to rule.
Proust Questionnaire
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Ibeji – It is known by all that I recovered the lost crown of Olokun for the honor and glory of my father King Olorun and to seal my manhood. However, I am most proud of saving my brother from certain death at the hands of radical misandrists. I could have let nature take its course and I would be planning my own coronation, but I remained loyal and upheld the nobility to which I was born.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Ibeji – My loved ones safe, a beautiful woman by my side, the sun on my skin, surfing all afternoon before taking a nap on the beach while lessers fan me.
What is your current state of mind?
Ibeji – Excited, eager, impatient to head out on the greatest quest a man has ever undertaken. I will either gain the world or die trying.
What is your favorite occupation?
Ibeji – I am not a shamed lesser. I was born to the ruling class. This must be a list of questions for commoners.
What is your most treasured possession?
Ibeji – My father gave me a jeweled scepter that has been in our family vault for centuries to take with me on my quest. I will use it to rule when I am sitting on my throne beyond the mountains and the sea. It is priceless. But if I am honest, the only object that is on my person at all times is my dagger given to me by my mother when I was 12. It has proved the most useful and most valuable of all my belongings.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Ibeji – My baby sister Tujuka. She is five and is the most joyful person I know.
What is your favorite journey?
Ibeji – The one I have yet to take.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Ibeji – My skin curse has marked me as second born. People must show me respect because I am a prince, but I see the disgust and judgment in their eyes, nonetheless.
When and where were you the happiest?
Ibeji – It was the moment I arrived home from earning my manhood at 14 years old. My mother had given birth to my baby sister while I was on my journey and she was rocking the little one to sleep when I surprised her with my arrival. I could see the pride in her eyes. Then she laid the baby on a cushion, got down on her knees, and placed her forehead on my feet. It was the first time my mother showed me due reverence as a grown man. Later, before presenting the crown to Father, I slipped baby Tujuka into the crown. Her whole body fit through it like it was a giant golden suit of armor. She began to bubble with laughter like only babies can do and my heart was filled to bursting.
What is it that you most dislike?
Ibeji – Judgment from others.
What is your greatest fear?
Ibeji – Failure.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Ibeji – I’m not sure I understand the question. I partake of what I am owed by divine right. Nothing is extravagant. It is as it should be.
Which living person do you most despise?
Ibeji – Cleric Abiola. He knows why.
What is your greatest regret?
Ibeji – That I never met my Uncle Kwento who died the day I was born. I am told I am like him in many ways.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Ibeji – I do not need to wish. If I desire a skill, I hire the greatest teacher, devote myself to the practice of it, and master said skill.
Where would you like to live?
Ibeji – I will live in my own palace in the world beyond the mountains and the sea.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Ibeji – I would imagine being born lesser and unable to prove yourself worthy.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Ibeji – Loyalty.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Ibeji – Beauty.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Ibeji – That I let others’ opinions of my skin bother me.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ibeji – That they are bothered by my skin.
What do you most value in your friends?
Ibeji – I do not have friends. I have brothers and lessers.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Ibeji – I do not read fiction. That is for women.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Ibeji – I have no heroes. I make my own fortune.
Which living person do you most admire?
Ibeji – Myself.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Ibeji – Patience. How many more questions are there?
On what occasions do you lie?
Ibeji – When women ask if they are my favorite.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Ibeji – Are you trying to die today?
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Ibeji – Being born second.
What are your favorite names?
Ibeji – Tujuka (my sister) and Jol (my mother)
How would you like to die?
Ibeji – With honor. Perhaps defending my own throne.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Ibeji – A moon.
What is your motto?
Ibeji – Words mean nothing.
Theme Development:
One main theme I would like to explore in this novel is the need for constant approval in a merit-based society where every person’s worth is dependent on achievement. There is not room for people who lack ambition to be at peace in this world. It will create a culture of constant competition and outdoing what has been done before. This will build animosity within families and social groupings and lead to disastrous consequences as people risk everything to be the best. This will be seen between Ibeji and Imana and others within the royal family. Because women must bear children, their worth is entirely based on reproductive abilities, which will lead to dangerous treatments, life-risking procedures, and women taking their own lives rather than becoming slaves. It could also lead to infant trafficking and all sorts of other evils to trick the system. These ideas will be explored in act one of the novel, especially as regards the six wives of King Olorun. The meaning I hope readers will gain is that people should be accepted as they are rather than requiring achievement or progeny to be of value.
Because the elaborate structure of the royal family invites competition and resentment between the different wives, children, and slaves, the question of loyalty also becomes a theme. The reader will hopefully value the eventual loyalty of Ibeji to his brother and the loyalty of people like the midwife to her women. She will be depicted as a fighter for female sovereignty. Some of her methods that seem questionable will save lives and ultimately keep people safe. Odafin (Ibeji’s brother from another mother) will be a constant companion in his adventures and will prove to be one of the most loyal characters in the book. He is third in line for the throne and has multiple opportunities to kill Ibeji in order to become the spare heir, but is steadfast in his fidelity to his best friend and brother Ibeji. The meaning imbedded in developing this theme is that loyalty to beliefs, honor, and integrity are noble.
Revisions:
The following feedback has made its way into my revision process:
(From Jeanne)
Kwento is already likeable since he is an artist, poet, and romantic. He needs to have more flaws like jealousy for the thrown, or he wants to do away with the old traditions, but he thinks way outside the box. Like instead of the “old ways,” he wants to have free love incorporated where anyone can sleep with whomever they please. All the babies conceived would be taken care of communally. Something along those lines.
As far as Ibeji goes, maybe he can also have a short temper that he works on controlling because of his insecurities.
(From Kody)
Giving the character a color-coded condition like vitiligo has a lot of sociopolitical nuance behind it, and as a white person I don’t consider myself qualified to comment overmuch on it. Because you’re writing fantasy, though, you do have a bit of power here. Because it’s closely tied with a real-world phenomenon, changing it overmuch might dilute the message you are trying to send about body acceptance or societal pressure surrounding vitiligo. You do not have to be accurate to the real world, but whether you want to or not your story will be compared to the real world. The movie Bright, for instance, drew some scrutiny when it made its orcs (a fantasy species generally portrayed as brutish, savage, and ugly) heavily coded as Black. Even though the orcs were made up, the fact that it tied orc stereotypes to Black stereotypes sent a negative message to some people. So, if you’re trying to send a message about Black beauty stereotypes or vitiligo, adding something extra to it (unique eye colors) might dilute that message! It’ll definitely be worthwhile to see how vitiligo is handled in other characters. Is there something you would gain by giving him heterochromia that would make it worthwhile to your story? If it’s simply an aesthetic choice, I’d say drop it and focus more on how vitiligo affects him, making that aspect of your story stronger.
I’d recommend checking out books or other media where a main character struggles with acne, since it’s also a skin condition that has a lot of stigma attached to it. Just as vitiligo was once conflated with leprosy, acne is often assumed to be from uncleanliness or poor health, and acne can be immensely damaging to one’s self-esteem. Of course, if you can find a source on vitiligo that would be even better, but those may be harder to find unfortunately
(From Dariusz)
after I finished reading your Book Description/Plot Summary: I would love to see you at least hint on what are Ibeji’s ‘constant achievements’ in the book’s description?
The following feedback has been evaluated and I have decided not to implement it:
(From Dariusz)
P.S. When I first looked at your post’s title, my thoughts went straight to Arizona 🙂 I know it isn’t a biggie, but is that something that you are at all concerned, as far as the audience and the marketing of your book?
I am honestly still considering changing the name of the planet, but have not yet come across a name that works using the Japanese definitions I am going for. Yuma means “Calm truth” in Japanese. I like the idea of that for the Yin/Yang concept I am going for that will culminate in meaning in the 3rd book of the series. I have not ruled out changing the name; I simply have not found another one that mean something significant for my story. Dariusz makes an excellent point (especially since the name will be in the title.)
Goals Statement:
I have never planned out my entire novel with chapter summaries before. I have simply started writing and seen where it takes me. This method feels more structured and gives me hope that I will create something with much more thematic value that also takes the reader on a better-defined journey. For example, while planning the chapter summaries the half-brother Odafin surfaced as a key witness to the main character’s adventures and made me realize he should narrate a chapter.
The Proust Questionnaire was an excellent exercise to explore my character that I have never done before. Taking the time to get to know my main characters before jumping into the story has created layers of personality that will hopefully produce better-rounded characters in the long run.
I have also never delved into the setting as intensely before. This exercise has made me excited about creating a fantasy world and made me believe that I have a shot at actually writing a fantasy novel. This is a first for me and I am as nervous as I am excited!
Receiving peer feedback was nerve-wracking, especially because it was during the formation process. I am used to sharing pieces with others after I have perfected them, but this was a much more vulnerable experience. Surprisingly, I found it affirming and helpful. The suggestions made by fellow writers were spot on for consideration and shared in a spirit of mutual growth. I would love to find a community to write with in the future that could be equally supportive.
My goal now is to begin crafting portions of the story that seem crucial to character development. Because I have spent so much time working on Ibeji (my main character’s) part of the story, I would like to jump right into his part of the book, which is actually about 1/3 of the way in. Then, as I realize I need bits of history to make sense of things, I will go back and work on his father’s story. That may be a bit backward, but it seems logical to me as a way to start. I am going to set a goal of writing at least one scene or chapter every week to keep the momentum going.
“Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid hints at the character of a caregiver to a young woman. In her attempts to teach the girl the ways of womanhood, she shows herself to be old-fashioned, strict in principle, and set in her views of gender roles. These qualities demonstrate her preferences. Little details in her lecturing show glimpses of her past like the fact that she knows how to grow crops, sew clothes, and run a household. She is savvy about interactions with men, has loved, has fallen out of love, and has given up on love. These qualities demonstrate her history. Her flaw is her suspicion of the girl. She cannot imagine that the girl is not making all the same mistakes she made. And with so much emphasis on avoiding the appearance of impropriety, it is surprising that she has possibly had an abortion (Kincaid).
The unique writing style of this piece develops the character in a manner that only gives a slice of information and entirely through dialogue. The reader must infer character traits and piece her story together with clues from her speech. This method does not permit as much character development as one might prefer and provides no physical description of the character. Enemies are vaguely hinted at as men who have bullied her and fake smiles given to people she doesn’t like. The story leaves one wanting more with no means of satisfaction. When I write characters, I hope to capture the voice and traits as well as Kincaid, but provide more physical descriptions and consider alliances during development.
Bonus Note: The woman accuses the girl of singing Benna in Sunday School and I laughed so hard when I looked it up on line. “Sexually suggestive, call and repeat style, telling scandalous gossip”…definitely not appropriate Sunday School music, but so funny to picture either one of them giving it a shot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOIlA9s6QxE
Works Cited
Kincaid, Jamaica. “Girl.” At the Bottom of the River, Farrar Straus Giroux, 1983, pp. 3-5.
TRIGGER WARNING: This essay discusses mental health (including OCD), grief, emotional distress, strong language, and social inequality as they appear in John Green’s novels.
Authors of young adult fiction have the difficult task of creating characters, situations, and dialogue that teenagers will believe. If a novel’s plot is boring, the characters lack development, or the dialogue sounds fake, teenagers are quick to toss the book aside and look for a different author. However, once an author captures their hearts, young adults create a loyal fan-base who will read every book the writer produces and pass them among friends like contraband. John Green has successfully built just such a fan base. An analysis of three of his novels reveals the techniques he uses to create a reality that young adults will believe using language that is authentic to their worldview. Looking for Alaska is one of Green’s earliest books, Turtles All The Way Down one of his newest, and An Abundance of Katherines one of his most unique. Each contains myriad examples of masterful writing to which teenagers connect.
One method is invented vocabulary through methods of functional shifting, combining, reanalysis, clipping, and suffixing. Another is changing syntax by manipulating the expected word order to indicate southern diction, English as a second language, and creative thinking. In the area of semantics, Green creates meaning using a variety of registers within different specializations, word choices with teen-geared connotations, and vague wording to leave meaning ambiguous at times when the characters are being mysterious. He also uses word choices to indicate various socio-economic classes of people and audience-specific dialogue that incorporates youthful diction and slang. John Green utilizes invented vocabulary, syntax, and semantic strategies in his novels to successfully appeal to young adults.
The use of invented vocabulary speaks to youth because people in this stage challenge rules and push boundaries, a sort of “verbal revolution” to quote Walt Whitman (Curzan 120). Green capitalizes on this invention of words to make young adults feel connected to his writing. In Looking for Alaska, Miles says he has come to boarding school “looking for a Great Perhaps” (Alaska 219). Changing perhaps from its usual part of speech as an adverb to a proper noun is a creative way of connecting the main character to a sense of adventure as he begins his search for meaning in life. At another point, Miles says he uses “the friend card” which is a popular phrase taking the noun friend and shifting it to use as an adjective (Alaska 77). Then Alaska calls Miles a “perv”, a clipping of the word pervert (Alaska 41). At the boarding school, Alaska invents the name of their favorite meal “a deep-fried bean burrito, the bufriedo” by combining the words burrito, fried, and beans. Miles goes on to talk about “savoring the bean-y crunch” and creates the word bean-y by suffixing or adding a y to the end of the word (Alaska 22). Some of the most entertaining inventions are the reanalysis of common sayings. At one point when discussing the destruction of Alaska’s books that she bought at garage sales, Miles says, “Ashes to Ashes. Garage sale to garage sale,” rather than stating the oft-quoted ashes to ashes; dust to dust (Alaska 154). At another point Miles mixes the sayings switch conversations and change horses midstream using reanalysis to claim that Alaska tended to “switch conversational horses midstream” (Alaska 53).
John Green plays with syntax in An Abundance of Katherines to show the speech patterns of an elderly man named Starnes from Tennessee who was born and raised in the country. He says, “Hollis…took good care of us every one” (Katherines 81). The usual word order for Standard English is took good care of every one of us. Placing the indefinite pronouns at the end of the sentence is more common among southern dialects of years past. Green also uses changes in word order to indicate broken English. Hassan pretends he is French and tells some girls that Colin has Tourette’s by saying, “He has the disease with the talking…I do not know how you say in English” (Katherines 52). He is trying to be funny but characteristic of English language learners who sometimes rearrange words and leave out words necessary to form complete sentences.
Green also permits characters to order their words interestingly to indicate intellect and creative/poetic thinking. In Turtles All the Way Down, Davis is a creative poet and writes with unique syntax for a teenager. One computer entry reads, “My mother’s footsteps/were so quiet/I barely heard her leave.” Placing the footsteps of his mother at the beginning of the poem creates more poignant imagery at the end when the reader realizes the mother is no longer around. Another says, “Gravity differs from affection: only one is constant” (Turtles 189). This quote could be put simply, Gravity is constant, but affection is fickle. Davis’s wording sets up a contrast that is meant to be pondered prior to providing an open-ended answer following the colon to ponder some more. In another entry, Davis types in response to Shakespeare’s quote Doubtthat the sun doth move, “It dothn’t move…not around us…Who knows what lies I believe…Who knows what we shouldn’t doubt” (Turtles 207-208). This could be written, Our faith may be unfounded. Things we doubt might be true. His method is more creative and permits the reader to play with the words, mulling them over for meaning.
Linguistic social markers are another technique Green uses to indicate different classes of people. In Turtles All the Way Down when a lawyer for a wealthy family is speaking, his diction is crisp and word choice selective. “Your concern is admirable, Ms. Holmes, but I assure you that everything is cared for…Do you have any other questions of pertinence to your situation” (Turtles 127). The attorney says pertinence which could be considered within his legal register of terminology and is a variation as he could have just as easily said simpler synonyms for a teenage audience (he was speaking to a teenager at the time.) Contrast his speech with Daisy’s. She is a poor teenager who hustles to get anything she wants and fills her sentences with slang, cursing, and different grammatical structures. Her vernacular is a stereotype of underprivileged teenagers. “You got a car and a laptop and all that shit, and you think it’s natural. You think it’s just normal to have a house with your own room and a mom who helps with your homework” (Turtles 216).
When demonstrating the intellect of a psychiatrist, Green gives Dr. Singh the ability to recall quotes from a philosopher in Latin. This ability in speech is a social marker of being well-educated in American society. “A fuller formation of Descartes’s philosophy would be Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum. I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am” (Turtles 166). Along the same vein, when a teenager from a rich family is discussing a painting in his mansion, he shortens the name of the artist (Kerry James Marshall) in question to initials. This familiarity with an artist’s work implies wealth and privilege. “I really love KJM’s work” (Turtles 100). He also invites his friends to watch a movie in his home theater. He uses a word most teenagers have never uttered in the context of a home service. “When I was a kid, we had to have a projectionist come out, but now it’s all digital” (Turtles 98). These are indicators that his social experiences are quite different from the other teenagers in the book. In An Abundance of Katherines Hassan’s humor and intellect are demonstrated in the following exchange when he is invited to say “grace” in a Christian home, despite the fact that he is Muslim:
“Hassan cleared his throat. Bismillah. Then he picked up his fork.That’s it? Hollis wondered. That’s it. We are a terse people. Terse, and also hungry” (Katherines 62).
Average teenagers do not tend to use a word like terse. A more common phrase might be we don’t talk a lot.
More examples of slang and teenage diction in Green’s work permit young adult readers to connect with the characters. In An Abundance of Katherines, Hassan says, “Sup?” instead of What is up? (Katherines 128). Lindsey says, “I’m a’ight,” instead of I am alright (Katherines 99). At one point when Colin is being awakened by a rooster crowing Cock-a-doodle-do, Colin responds in typical annoyance. His witty response; however, is less than typical. “Cock-a-doodle-don’t, Motherfugger” (Katherines 77). The connotations of his invented words are obviously negative. In Looking for Alaska Takumi refers to the authorities with the slang term pig that is sometimes used in reference to the police. “The pigs can’t stop the fox” (Alaska 106). The group of teens make up names for each other, their cars, and different locations as young people are known to do. They call McDonald’s “McInedible” (Alaska 76). The leader of their group is called The Colonel, the authority figure who catches them and has the power to expel them is called The Eagle, and the skinny main character is ironically called Pudge. Green uses these name choices to show the way young people play with language and make it their own.
One character in Looking for Alaska named Alaska is described as moody and is meant to be mysterious, her motivations and goals unknown. The reader is left trying to solve her like a puzzle. The 1st person limited narrator Miles makes the interesting point about her, “…the way her mouth curled up on the right side all the time, like she was preparing to smirk, like she’d mastered the right half of the Mona Lisa’s inimitable smile…” (Alaska 30). He alludes to a mesmerizing painting, the subject of which has created generations to guess what that smile is about. The narrator is also perplexed in another scene by Alaska’s mood swings and thinks, “How could the girl who told that joke three hours before become a sobbing mess” (Alaska 86)? During a game, Alaska is supposed to describe the best day of her life. “Best day of my life was January 9, 1997. I was eight years old, and my mom and I went to the zoo on a class trip” (Alaska 115). When a friend tries to get to know her better and find out how she is, Alaska responds, “I’m really not up for questions that start with how, when, where, why, or what” (Alaska 68). When confronted by a confused friend who says, “I don’t get you,” she responds with, “You never get me. That’s the whole point” (Alaska 55). Green uses vague descriptions and non-committal vocabulary to keep the Alaska character a mystery for the other characters and the reader.
The ability to create realistic characters who can play with language as they speak with authentic teen dialogue and about topics young adults care about is what makes John Green’s books relatable. Readers are drawn into the minds and hearts of each person and the relationships they build while they struggle to make sense of the chaos of life. The universal questions tackled by Green are balanced with humor and enough teenage nonsense to keep the books from seeming pretentious. Miles says at the end of Looking for Alaska “I came here looking for the Great Perhaps…maybe the afterlife is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss…Thomas Edison’s last words were: It’s very beautiful over there. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful” (Alaska 220-221). The invented vocabulary, syntax and semantic choices John Green uses in his novels combine to create works that appeal to young adult readers due to authenticity and the ability to connect to teenage concerns.
Works Cited
Curzan, Anne and Michael P. Adams. How English works : a linguistic introduction – 3rd ed. p.cm. Glenview, IL: Pearson Education, Inc., 2012.
Green, John. An Abundance of Katherines. Dutton and Speak, 2006.
Green, John. Looking For Alaska. Dutton Juvenile, 2005.
Green, John. Turtles All The Way Down. Dutton Penguin, 2017.
Hurst, Mary Jane. The VOICE of the CHILD in American Literature: Linguistic Approaches to Fictional Child Language. The University Press of Kentucky, 1990.
Mohamed, Dr. Theresa. “Learning Modules”, Eng-550-Q4588 Grad Studies in English Lang 20TW4, Southern New Hampshire University, 2020, learn.snhu.edu/d2l/home/398756.
Nilsen, Aleen Pace; Donelson, Kenneth L. Literature for Today’s Young Adults, 8th Edition. Pearson, 2009.
Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.
Agatha Blum is a 70-year-old triplet who tends to her youngest triplet sister Edith (a stroke victim) and drives for a ride sharing company. She says it is for extra spending money, but it is also her escape from the responsibilities of her household. She is the oldest of the three identical triplets but is not speaking to the middle triplet Capitola, whose offense is as yet unknown (the characters must reveal what happened to cause such a rift.) Capitola comes to help care for their sister Edith, but all communication goes through Edith because Capitola and Agatha are not speaking. She also has a baby sister named Roxy (short for Roxeanne) who is 56 and lives the next town over. She will come help with Edith, as well, but is not quite as reliable and has twice given Edith the wrong medications. Agatha is married to a mostly deaf man named Robert who refuses to wear hearing aids and likes to watch the television turned up so loudly that it drives everyone crazy. They live in a small country town outside of Austin, Texas and are all native to the state.
Agatha is unhappy with her situation but believes in making the best of circumstances. Her husband Robert is a retired school maintenance man and keeps the house in good repair, so she figures that is good enough as far as their marriage is concerned. They are able to live off his retirement fairly well, especially since her parents left them the house and property when they passed. Agatha and Robert started a family right after she graduated high school in 1969 and she was a stay-at-home mother until the last of her three children went off to college. Then she began doing volunteer work and odd jobs trying to find something that she enjoyed. She enrolled in a few college courses, but she was miserable in a classroom. The only thing that brought her joy was driving back country roads listening to 60’s music like The Beatles, Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Beach Boys, and Aretha Franklin with the dogs hanging their heads out the windows.
Agatha grew up comfortably with parents who were overwhelmed by having triplets but did their best to instill discipline and provide a loving environment. She is a member of the local church, but her attendance has dropped off in recent years. Her husband still attends but has given up pressuring her to go and simply tells people she is home taking care of her sister. When people from the church visit her and Edith, she is welcoming but has begun to question many of her own long-held beliefs. She keeps her thoughts to herself because she does not want to cause ripples of conflict in her family. The only chance she gets to speak freely is with strangers she gives rides to through the ride sharing app. She has three adult daughters, five granddaughters, and four great-granddaughters. Her sisters each have daughters, as well. No one in her immediate family has ever had a boy.
Agatha is afraid her sister Edith will die. Even worse, Agatha is afraid her sister Edith will not recover fully and will remain dependent on her forever. Agatha feels guilty for not wanting to continue to care for Edith, but also feels that it is her duty because she was given the house and property by her parents knowing that they expected her as the oldest to continue to look after the family. She does not want to be in the matriarchal role she has been assigned and wants to hop in her car and drive away, never to be heard from again. She is hurt by the rift with Capitola, worried about her 2nd oldest granddaughter who has developed an opioid addiction, her middle daughter Imogene who seems lonely and depressed, and her baby sister Roxy who is separated from her 5th husband and struggling to find her footing.
August uses a white board to explore and make a big mess connecting all the characters and mapping their relationships. August points out that after he has pictured the scene over and over again, then he gets it onto paper as fast as possible and it may appear as gibberish, bare bones, with awful dialogue. Besides using a standing desk to help with focus, he types on a bent broken keyboard to type sideways and spare his wrists. He tends to write whatever scene appeals to him and skips around a lot. Though he writes the very end early on so he knows the destination, his main focus is on the middle. He likes to write about people navigating between two worlds.
Aline Brosh McKenna Differences
McKenna sets specific goals for herself to feel that she has completed real work in a day. She needs an expanse of time that she is alone and able to “do her thing.” She says that she only has a few good ideas a year. She sees creativity as giving sudden birth to the idea and then has to work on it from there. It may come out fully formed, but other times it may need some work or you may need to start over. When she is ready to write the outline for her movie, she creates bullet points of all key scenes on big paper in three acts. She prefers to take the big paper to show people her idea instead of using cards. McKenna thinks it is more important to write something authentic than to worry about if it has ever been done before. For her, creativity happens due to habitual, consistent practice.
John August & Aline Brosh McKenna Similarities
Both writers work in office spaces they have designated for their craft. McKenna points out that she is able to get more done without the distractions of domestic life fighting for attention. Both writers use big spaces to initially plan their movie ideas. Both work at standing desks often. Both start with bare bones and end up handwriting the ideas after brainstorming. Both picture the movie in their head before writing it down. Both say they get many ideas, but only a few end up being really usable.
Ideas I will use
After watching these videos, I recommitted to setting up my writing space to make it more accessible for after my hip surgery and more user-friendly to make writing in the space productive. My husband and cousin worked all day Saturday with me to clean, sort, and declutter. Then they moved all of the heavy furniture around in our bedroom to create a corner with open-floor access to both my bed, the exit, and the restroom. I am quite pleased with the results and am currently working on this assignment in my new office. I love the idea of writing on large paper and am going to purchase some this week online. I am envisioning putting it on my wall next to my desk as I work and adding elements as I brainstorm. I plan to outline the bullet points of my movie like McKenna, which is already a technique I have used in writing. However, I am going to give myself permission to work on whichever scenes appeal to me the most, rather than feeling like I have to go in order, like August suggests. I am excited to give that a try.
Opening Image: 1986, darkness, blizzard, small wooden building mostly buried, barely visible light on a roof covered by snow in Antarctica.
Theme Stated: Being trapped together can bring out the worst in people.
The Setup: Two men have been snowed in together for months in Antarctica (Alvaro – Argentinian and Graham – Brit.) They are playing an ongoing chess game as they talk.
The Catalyst: Argument over Argentina victory over England World Cup 1986.
Debate: Hand of God argument/accusation
Break Into Act II: Dreaming of home
B Story: Discussions of home always bring out competition between the men and their prospective countries.
Fun and Games: Haley’s comet was lame (Alvaro’s argument) v. discovery of ozone hole was a victory (Graham’s argument)
Midpoint: Graham can’t take it anymore. He is going crazy and knocks over the chess board and shouts (There’s the hand of God for you!)
The Bad Guys Close In or Conflict Intensifies: Alvaro drinks the last New Coke.
All Is Lost: Graham raves and carries on because he can’t stand Alvaro and his constant teeth sucking, toe knuckle cracking, and snoring.
Dark Night of the Soul: Alvaro tries to calm Graham with stories of his childhood, reminders that there is only about a month to go before sunlight returns.
Break Into Act III: The calm before the storm
The Finale: Alvaro decides to read a book from their small library and Graham gives away the ending. Alvaro grabs an ice pick and attacks Graham.
Final Image: Alvaro reading his book in silence, blood splatter on his face, mumbles something about the (hand of God)
The Logline
Alvaro is determined to survive an Antarctic winter snowed in with a young man who is coming unhinged.
Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.
FADE IN: EXT. BLIZZARD OUTSIDE A SMALL CABIN – PERPETUAL DARKNESS OF ARCTIC WINTER SUPER: ANTARCTICA 1986 INT. ANTARCTIC MID-WAY STATION FOR ARGENTINA/ENGLAND RESEARCH FACILITIES; COUCH AREA – 3:00PM ALVARO FERNANDEZ, 48, Argentinian, serious expression, sits as still as a statue as he studies a chess board silently on a makeshift coffee table. GRAHAM DAVIES, 26, British, expressive face, jittery, seems impatient. GRAHAM (British accent) Why does everything take you so long? Alvaro looks up at Graham but does not move. GRAHAM I can’t take much more of this. ALVARO (Argentinian accent) Two more months. Graham sighs and begins tapping his fingers on the table. GRAHAM It’s summertime back home. People are going to the coast. ALVARO Nothing better than football on the beach and a dip in the ocean. Graham crosses his arms and exhales loudly. GRAHAM I bet all of you Argentinians cheat when you play football. ALVARO We did not cheat. GRAHAM (Getting louder) Maradona used his hand. Two England players saw it with their own eyes. And Maradona practically admitted it. ALVARO No, he said it was la mano de Dios, the hand of God. GRAHAM Hand of God, my ass. I cannot believe Argentina won the world cup. You should be ashamed. Alvaro makes a move on the chess board. ALVARO I will never be ashamed of Argentina. GRAHAM Really? Not even for starting a stupid war? ALVARO I am proud of my people for their foolhardy attempt to defend the Maldinas. GRAHAM Well, we won that match fair and square. ALVARO Your country had no right to stake claim to our islands. Graham makes a move on the chess board. GRAHAM Haha! In your face. I stake claim to the Falklands and your bishop. ALVARO British Colonial occupation is at the heart of everything that is wrong with your country. GRAHAM At least we aren’t a dictatorship. ALVARO I have already explained to you that Argentina no longer has a dictatorship. I voted for President Alfonsin. GRAHAM Well, Margaret Thatcher already proved she could beat that guy. ALVARO She did not beat him. He was elected after the war. GRAHAM You have to admit she is impressive. ALVARO Impressively imperious. GRAHAM (pumping his fists in the air) The Iron Lady! ALVARO Exactly. Shouldn’t you despise her like the poor miners who were protesting against her? Graham shrugs and goes to the refrigerator to get a drink. GRAHAM I am going to drink one of my last New Cokes. ALVARO You said you were going to wait for a special occasion. GRAHAM I’ll still have one left. Plus, it is a special occasion. I’m about to beat you at chess. Graham pops open the New Coke and sits back down at the table. ALVARO (shaking his head) You have absolutely no self-control. Graham slurps loudly with every drink, belching between sips. ALVARO And you’re disgusting. How do you drink that? GRAHAM (belches a long loud one) You’re just jealous that you didn’t order some on the last shipment and now you have to wait until September. ALVARO I don’t drink soda. I prefer my tea. As a matter of fact, I’m going to make a cup after I beat you. Alvaro makes a move on the chess board. GRAHAM Damnit! Graham pounds the chess board scattering the pieces. GRAHAM There’s the hand of God for you! Graham storms out of the room and ALVARO begins cleaning up the chess game, but while staring at the pieces… DISSOLVE TO: INT. BY THE FRONT DOOR – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Graham is dressed in his winter gear with measuring equipment. Alvaro is looking at charts on the wall. GRAHAM I’ll be back. ALVARO Be sure to check the generators. As soon as the door closes, Alvaro locks it from the inside and smiles. He sits on the couch reading a book and Graham can be heard screaming from outside, banging on the door to be let back in. DISSOLVE TO: INT. COUCH AREA – PRESENT 4:20PM Graham belches from the other room and the sound brings Alvaro back to the present. He gets up and goes to the kitchen area where he puts the kettle on and stares at it. DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK – MONTAGE INSIDE CABIN – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Graham clips his toenails on the couch, sucks his teeth, drums on things while listening to a Walkman, slurps his soup, cracks his knuckles, chews with his mouth open, dumps his wet icy stuff by the front door, hocks loogies, talks nonstop, picks his nose… DISSOLVE TO: INT. KITCHEN STOVE – PRESENT 4:30PM The tea kettle WHISTLING brings Alvaro back to the present and he makes a cup of tea. GRAHAM (only heard) Ooh, I’ll take a cuppa. That sounds good. Alvaro sighs and begins to make a cup of tea for Graham. FADE TO: INT. SMALL TABLE – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Graham LOUDLY STIRS his tea in an otherwise silent room, then begins to SLURP. Alvaro quietly drinks his tea and stares at Graham. Then his face becomes contorted. ALVARO Did you hear that? GRAHAM What? ALVARO (motions behind him) I think the rodent is back. Graham stands and takes a step toward the shelving area to look closer. Alvaro takes a powder from his pocket and dumps it into Graham’s tea. GRAHAM I don’t see anything. I’ll set more traps before bed. Graham sits back down and begins drinking his tea, then clutches at his throat and falls to the ground in death throes. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SMALL TABLE – PRESENT 4:45PM The sound of TINLKLING brings Alvaro back to the present. Graham is LOUDLY STIRRING his tea and taking LOUD SIPS. GRAHAM I wish it was New Coke. FADE TO: INT. WORK AREA – PRESENT 5:30PM Alvaro is looking at readings from machines. Graham is writing in a ledger. ALVARO Temperature Negative 39.8 Celsius. GRAHAM (scribbles and imitates Alvaro’s accent) Negative 39.8 Celsius. ALVARO Windspeed 70.8 Kilometers per hour. GRAHAM (scribbles and imitates Alvaro’s accent) 70.8 Kilometers per hour. ALVARO Precipitation, rain, zero millimeters. GRAHAM (scribbles and imitates Alvaro’s accent) Rain zero millimeters. ALVARO Do you have to repeat everything I say? GRAHAM (mocking) Do you have to repeat everything I say? FADE TO: INT. SHELVING AREA – PRESENT 6:00PM Alvaro is organizing equipment on the shelves. Graham is doing safety checks on gear. GRAHAM Why are we doing this again if we haven’t even used any of it? ALVARO Because it’s our job. GRAHAM It just seems like a waste of time. ALVARO Routine is important during these long winters. It helps us keep our wits about us. CUT TO: INT. SHELVING AREA – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Alvaro stares at Graham for a moment, then pulls the entire shelving unit onto him, the sharp instruments impaling Graham and he lays dying, bleeding on the floor. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SHELVING AREA – PRESENT 6:20PM Graham BANGS something metal on the shelving. GRAHAM (holding a ski pole) I think there is significance to the fact that my research station is named after Edmund Haley and I am here when Haley’s comet passed by. ALVARO Perhaps. GRAHAM It’s not like your station has anything magical about it. What’s Belgrano, anyway? ALVARO It is quite significant. General Manuel Belgrano was a libertador who fought for independence and designed our national flag. GRAHAM Boring. ALVARO (wounded) Well, I was not very impressed by Haley’s comet. It was barely visible. Graham clutches at his chest and feigns a heart attack. GRAHAM Haley Research Station also discovered the ozone hole. ALVARO Belgrano studies cosmic noise. GRAHAM I don’t even know what that is. Alvaro walks away and turns on a radio, twisting the dial until he finds ARGENTENTIAN TANGO. He steps to the center of the room and motions for Graham to join him. GRAHAM (pouting) I’m not in the mood. Alvaro STOMPS and motions again. Graham sighs and slowly walks toward Alvaro. Alvaro gets into position to lead the tango and Graham becomes the follow. They begin to tango. ALVARO Remember your posture. Graham corrects his posture. GRAHAM I’ve decided who you remind me of. You’re a cross between Edward James Olmos and Pee-Wee Herman. ALVARO I have heard of Olmos. Not Herman. GRAHAM (Pee-Wee voice) I know you are, but what am I? Alvaro pulls back from the dance frame enough to look at Graham quizzically. GRAHAM (Pee-Wee voice) That’s my name don’t wear it out. ALVARO Is this a movie actor? GRAHAM Yes. He’s very famous. ALVARO Apparently not in Argentina. GRAHAM What movie did you see most recently? ALVARO La Historia Oficial, The Official Story. It is a harrowing tale about the effects of the dictatorship on one family and their adopted child. GRAHAM That sounds super boring. What about Rambo? ALVARO No. GRAHAM Jackie Chan? ALVARO Nope. GRAHAM Return of the Living Dead? ALVARO (shakes head no) GRAHAM Man, you are missing out. CUT TO: INT. WORK AREA – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION The music comes to a dramatic end and Alvaro dips Graham so that his head hits the counter splitting open with blood flowing everywhere and Graham falls to the floor dead. ALVARO Oops. DISSOLVE TO: INT. WORK AREA – PRESENT 7:00PM The sound of Graham GRUNTING brings Alvaro back to the present. GRAHAM Let me up, man. Alvaro pulls Graham back up from the dip and both are breathless. FADE TO: INT. TABLE – PRESENT 8:30PM Graham and Alvaro are putting together a puzzle. GRAHAM Since we’re 150 kilometers from both of our research centers, which one should I go to if something happens to you and you need emergency help? ALVARO What do you mean? GRAHAM Say you get hurt and I go for help, do I go to my people or yours? ALVARO We have an emergency telephone. GRAHAM But it goes out sometimes. If I had to make it to a station, I think I would go to Haley because they speak English. ALVARO There are plenty of people at Belgrano that speak English. GRAHAM (trying to force a piece) You know what I mean. That last guy that had to stop here spoke very little English. ALVARO That’s not true. GRAHAM He kept turning to you for explanations and talking in Spanish. ALVARO That was Italian. GRAHAM Well, whatever it was, he kept talking to you instead of me. ALVARO He did not always understand your idioms and expressions, but he is fluent in Spanish, English, and Italian. GRAHAM Hmmmphh. ALVARO How many languages do you speak? GRAHAM Just the Queen’s English. That’s the only one I need. ALVARO If you spoke Italian, you would have gathered that our visitor was not in the mood for a movie. He was exhausted. GRAHAM I thought it would be fun to make popcorn and entertain our guest. I even offered him a New Coke. ALVARO It was a nice gesture, but you need to learn to read social cues. GRAHAM Whatever… DISSOLVE TO: INT. TABLE – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Graham’s voice fades out and Alvaro only sees his lips moving. Alvaro jumps on top of Graham, knocking his chair backward. A struggle ensues with Alvaro choking Graham to death. DISSOLVE TO: INT. TABLE – PRESENT 8:50PM GRAHAM (voice fades back in) Popcorn sounds good right now, as a matter of fact. Let’s watch a movie. ALVARO (a little disoriented) No, thanks. GRAHAM Come on. I don’t want to watch it by myself. You can pick. ALVARO We’ve seen them all. GRAHAM How about The Shining? ALVARO No, thanks. GRAHAM Sleepaway Camp? ALVARO (scrunches up face) No. GRAHAM How about romance? The Blue Lagoon. ALVARO (louder than usual) I said, no! GRAHAM Jeez. You don’t have to get your panties in a wad. FADE TO. INT. COUCH AREA – PRESENT 9:40PM Graham is SHARPENING an ice axe sitting on one end of the couch with his feet on the makeshift coffee table. Alvaro is at the other end of the couch reading a book. A few moments pass of no sound except SHARPENING and Alvaro TURNING A PAGE of his book. Graham stops sharpening and squints at the cover of the book Alvaro is reading. GRAHAM Is that one of the Agatha Christie books? ALVARO Mmm-hmmm. GRAHAM What’s it called? ALVARO Sleeping Murder. GRAHAM I think I read that one. ALVARO Shhh… Graham lays the ice axe down on the makeshift coffee table and leans in closer to look at the cover of the book. GRAHAM Yes. This is the one where it turns out to be the doctor all along, right? CUT TO: INT. COUCH AREA – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Alvaro freezes, slowly looks up from the page, sets his book on the coffee table, and in one swift move grabs the ice axe and begins hacking at Graham. Blood splatters Alvaro’s face. Then Alvaro sits quietly back down, picks up the book, and gets back to reading. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ARGENTINE JAIL CELL – ALVARO’S IMAGINATION Alvaro sits on the lower bunk in a dirty prison jumpsuit, sweaty, with a shaved head. He is trying to read a book. CELLMATE, 24, shaved head, wearing only underwear, doing push ups. CELLMATE (in Spanish; subtitled) 77, 78, 79, 80 Cellmate jumps up and begins pacing the room. CELLMATE I can’t take 2 more years of this, man. I’m telling you, I’m gonna snap. Cellmate rips a piece of metal off the bunkbed and begins BANGING LOUDLY on the cell bars. DISSOLVE TO: INT. COUCH AREA – PRESENT 9:45PM Alvaro is still sitting holding his book. Graham is BANGING a piece of metal against his ice axe. GRAHAM (stops banging) I think I’m going to call it a day. ALVARO (a bit shaken, nods) Good night. Graham gets up and walks toward the bedroom. Then he turns and looks at Alvaro. GRAHAM You should probably get some sleep, too. You’re on toilet duty tomorrow and I plan on blowing it up tonight! Graham leaves the room chuckling to himself. Alvaro sighs, then sets the book on the makeshift coffee table and walks toward the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and stares into it for a few seconds. Suddenly, a smile lights up his face. He takes the last New Coke out of the refrigerator, pops it open, and takes a sip. ALVARO (grimacing) Disgusting. Alvaro proceeds to dump the entire contents of the New Coke into the sink, looking back toward the bedroom a few times. Then he crumples the can and drops it into the sink. ALVARO (in Spanish; subtitled) The hand of God. FADE OUT. THE END
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of violence, murder, and suicide.
Introduction
The idea for the story told in my screenplay came from a coworker who was a film major. I was picking his brain about how he came up with ideas for his screenplays, and he mentioned coming across random news articles and Wikipedia pages that he found interesting. His method resonated because of something I read in chapter 2 of Screenplay – The Foundations of Screenwriting. Syd Field writes, “An idea in the newspaper or on the TV news…can be the subject of a movie” (35). One particular topic that my coworker mentioned stuck with me. He said he came across crimes (including murders) that occurred in the Antarctic when people were stationed for long dark winter months at research facilities.
The idea germinated and led to research into the most notorious incidents. I thought it would be interesting to weave elements of real-life events and historical data into a fictional story of two characters trapped in Antarctica like the facilities mentioned online. The more I researched, the deeper I wove my way into a potential rivalry between two facilities 300 Km apart owned by Argentina and England. The fact that these countries have historically significant conflicts created perfect backgrounds for instant characters.
Peer Review Process
Because this field of writing is entirely new to me, the feedback process was crucial for my development. I was unsure and in need of support each step of the way. Dr. Johnson and my peers were kind and helpful with their suggestions and showed me ways in which my writing could be improved. The workshop of loglines, story beats, and treatments helped me to streamline the core conflict in the story. It also revealed gaps in my story arc and missing character arc elements. Dr. Johnson wrote, “Be sure we know what brought them there. And you may find you still need to simplify to fit in 15 pages. But don’t lose heart. The art of screenwriting is subtraction.” I had no idea how much subtraction would be necessary to complete the final draft, and the encouragement to not lose heart was helpful when my efforts felt fruitless at times.
My peer, Valencia wrote, “It was difficult for me to determine the protagonist’s progression, as I could not determine who was pushing the action until the finale. The ending was clear, with Alvaro killing Graham.” This specific advice guided me to hone in on the progression of my protagonist Alvaro and be sure his motivations, wants, and needs were clearer to the reader. I also appreciated that she mentioned the positive aspect of the ending making sense. It is nice to be told what is working and what still needs improvement. Another specific example of excellent feedback was from Damon who pointed out the following: “With the fantasies, you often put ‘return to present’, and each time I think I have just read a flashback…” Dr. Johnson also mentioned this and it made me realize that I needed to clarify that the scenes were happening in Alvaro’s imagination in order to help the reader understand the intention.
Slightly less helpful was feedback from peers that suggested changes based on personal opinions or preferences. However, I still appreciated their ideas and considered them as options to include or reject. For example, Damon suggested removing the tango scene in my script. He said, “…the idea of two men tangoing really doesn’t work unless some sexual tension arises.” I disagreed and decided to leave the scene in my script.
The experience of receiving feedback helped to guide my responses to my peers’ work. I strove to point out examples of quality work and suggestions for elements that could be improved. An example of pointing out quality work was when providing feedback to peer Flaxen, “…the suspenseful moments are the best…The catalyst, debate, and conflict portions are excellent. I can picture each of those as a moment that makes the audience flinch, if not jump out of their seats.” The suggestions for improvement were worded, “As far as your logline is concerned, I am wondering what the fateful decision is that the man must make. Is he contemplating suicide? I did not catch that as one of the beats. If so, you might want to include it since it would probably be a key scene just before the portal opens. Also, I suggest cutting out some of the detail from the logline.”
Analysis
The first film I analyzed was Crazy Rich Asians to create a beat sheet and logline. The process taught me the important plot points necessary to create the correct flow to a successful film. For example, the “All Is Lost” beat in Crazy Rich Asians is when Rachel finds out she is the illegitimate daughter of an adulteress; Nick’s grandmother forbids him to marry Rachel. This translated into the moment in my screenplay where Alvaro imagines himself in prison for killing Graham. This could be the moment of no return if he goes through with his murderous daydreams.
The next film I analyzed was Donkey. As part of the narrator’s character arc, he must confront his behavior and own the fact that he was a bully to Stanley when they were teenagers. I believe the writer had the end in mind before he started the script. The story seems driven to that point all along in the narrator’s storytelling and shows the pondering that the narrator does daily due to his surreal experience of knowing Stanley. This guided me to work to create a character arc showing Alvaro struggling internally in his relationship with Graham, but ultimately choosing mischief over harm.
The final important screenplay I analyzed was Nightcrawler. The pacing of the screenplay shows a ratcheting of tension building each scene that I attempted to emulate in my piece. Also, the lesson uncovering the wants and needs of the character Lou was extremely revelatory. I discovered that Lou wants money, plain and simple. He will do anything he can to make money that he believes to be within his skills set. The analogy drawn visually is to a coyote, always on the lookout for his next meal. However, his need for control took over and created a monster. This analysis helped me to look closer at my characters and pinpoint their wants and needs as I was planning their character arcs. I was also fascinated by the dialogue in Nightcrawler. Lou’s speech demonstrates his attitudes, motivations, and his thinking process. To be able to get all of that across in short lines of dialogue is quite skillful. I attempted to create dialogue in my screenplay that also showed the character shining through the word choice and cadence in the lines.
There are many qualities necessary to create a marketable screenplay. One element is a well-told story that grabs the reader’s attention in the opening scene like Lou in Nightcrawler scrapping stolen metal and robbing a security guard, then happening upon a car wreck that changes his life. Another element is well-developed characters who have clear character arcs like the narrator in Donkey. A third element is believable dialogue that keeps the story moving forward like Lou’s in Nightcrawler. The story must keep the reader’s attention and motivate them to read all the way to the very end because they must know the resolution. An excellent example of this is found in my peer Damon’s screenplay Free at Last. The reader is desperate for William to stand up to his mother-in-law and have agency. Thankfully, the reader is rewarded by William throwing shackles into the ocean and literally towering over the woman until she retreats.
Conclusion
My skills as a screenwriter were nonexistent prior to this course. This is my first experience writing a screenplay. I went from being overwhelmed and uncertain, to completing a short film screenplay in 10 weeks and know that I have the beginning tools necessary to continue working in this genre. My skills as a storyteller have also improved because of the intense focus on pairing down the information to only action and dialogue necessary to move the story forward. Learning to be succinct and making nothing superfluous is extremely difficult and will help with all future writing projects I take on. I was most afraid of learning the formatting of the screenplay and mastering the vernacular. Thanks to Dr. Johnson’s guidance and recommended resources, I can now write a screenplay using Final Draft software with minimal anxiety.
It has been an honor to begin this journey of learning screenwriting in the company of so many talented writers. The role of the screenwriter is underappreciated. Without them, there is no story. They create the idea that becomes the films we know and love. Prior to this course, I did not have realistic notions of being a screenwriter. I toyed with the idea that I would like to look into screenwriting, but quite honestly, I did not understand the complexity. I write novels and thought surely novel writing was much more involved and difficult than screenwriting. Now I know that my assumptions were way off base. I underestimated the focus, effort, and revisions necessary to create a quality screenplay. To winnow a story to its barest essentials is excruciating labor that takes more work than any other form of writing I have come across. Now I am eager for the challenge. I plan to begin working on a feature length screenplay as soon as I finish this course. I hope to enter the short film screenplay I finished for this class into several competitions. A new world of writing has opened up to me, and I am excited to begin working this craft armed with all the tools I have learned in this class.
Nightcrawler. Written by Dan Gilroy. Open Road Films, 2014, web.archive.org/web/20160815092156/http:/gointothestory.blcklst.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/NIGHTCRAWLER-Dan-Gilroy.pdf
Norko, Damon. Free at Last. 2021, file:///E:/Masters%207-11-21%204pm/Screenwriting/Week%208/FAL-%20Norko.pdf
Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.
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