Tag Archives: mental health

Knock on Wood

July 7, 2015 rebekahjmarshall 7 Comments

I am not superstitious, but I hesitate to write this post the way people are afraid of speaking blessings out loud because the devil might steal them or people knock on wood that they have been spared. Part of me is thrilled. Part of me is scared.

The thrilled part would like to announce that, as of today, I am pain free. Gone is my cane. Gone is my limp. Gone is the agony with every step that dictated all my plans and efforts on a daily basis. I am on day 5 of my cleanse, and as promised, my pain is gone. My healer actually said it might take the full 14 days, but I’m not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth. I am not comfortable, per say, but I am free of pain. What I feel now is weakness in muscles that have not been used properly for far too long. There is also tightness and difficulty with movement in my joints, like they are unaccustomed to moving. Much still needs to be done to recover fully, but to be given a day off from pain. My eyes fill with tears of joy and relief as I write this. I must re-learn to walk properly, use mindful walking, and not overdo it. I must walk before I run, metaphorically speaking…or perhaps quite literally. I never thought I would do either again in this lifetime. I have dreams of running the same as dreams of flying. Both are desires my body has not been capable of lately.

Now the scared part must rear its fearful head. What if this reprieve is temporary? How many days do I have? One, two, a week? What if it is only a side-effect of the cleanse and as soon as that is over my pain returns? Perhaps I will be like Charley in Flowers for Algernon, all too aware of my impending decent back to my normal, which is unacceptable. I want this to be my new normal. I am not able to just stay in the now and appreciate a day free of pain. I want to forecast the future and in the process drive myself crazy. I know I am supposed to stay in the present, focus on the here and now, be content with this moment of pain-free existence that is enveloping me in peace. Perhaps admitting my fear gives it less control over me.

Health, Writing

Toxic Emotions

July 2, 2015 rebekahjmarshall 1 Comment

So far today, I have burst into tears five times for no apparent reason – twice while driving. I know it has to be a combination of illness and this dramatic cleanse, but I still feel a little out of control and it is disconcerting. Emotional outbursts were not listed among the side effects of this process, but it only makes sense. If my body is rapidly ridding itself of toxins, that will probably mess with hormones, serotonin levels, you name it. I will be patient, make no major life decisions in the next two weeks, and warn those closest to me.

I wish I could take off work, especially my night shifts this weekend. I was told today that I will be extremely fatigued for the next two days. Great.

On a bright note, my latest colonic was apparently extremely “productive” and my healer says I should be feeling better by Sunday. Woohoo! Here’s to hope, a step by step process to wellness, and someone to guide me out of this dark abyss I have been wallowing in.

Health, Writing

Romeo & Juliet

June 30, 2015 rebekahjmarshall Leave a comment

Today in summer school I am teaching Romeo and Juliet to a group of teenage girls. My presentation is not the romantic drivel most of them have heard before. We examine the play through different lenses and it becomes a fabulous cautionary tale. Each scene is analyzed for thinking errors on the part of the characters: Romeo’s impulsivity, all-or-nothing thinking, keeping score, and catastrophising; Tybalt’s overgeneralizations, one-upmanship, and uniqueness (thinking he is better than everyone else); Friar Lawrence’s magical thinking, grandiosity, sneakiness; etc.

The girls open to a whole new perspective when looking at these characters’ flaws and seeing their own behaviors in comparison. This is a school in a residential treatment center, so the young ladies I am working with have seen some stuff in their lifetimes. Many of them have attempted suicide (often over a lost love), have run away from their parents or their problems, have had numerous sexual encounters in over their heads and unprepared for the emotional fall-out at such a young age, and have been betrayed or misled by the adults in their lives who should have been better role models.

My favorite discussions with them involve re-imagining the scenes using healthy thinking, coping skills, support from trusted people, accessing available resources, etc. If just one person had done something different in this play, something productive, something thoughtful and helpful, it might not have ended in such tragedy. There are always more options. “To be or not to be” (to quote Hamlet) could be a much longer list. To be healthy, to be at peace, to understand, to be open…not to be afraid, not to be alone, not to be abused, not to be so hard on yourself.

Juliet was 13 for goodness sake. So much more happens in life after 13. I’m in my 40’s, have been through a marriage, divorce, children, grandchildren, and have just now found my Romeo. Building a good life takes time, learning from experiences, and resilience. I wish for each of my students today a new critical perspective that makes each of them a “master of her own fate.” *

*from Invictus by William Ernest Henley

#from Gnomeo & Juliet (Juliet kicking ass)