Tag Archives: injuries

Health, Writing

A Year Has Passed

1 Comment

Photo by Karolina Grabowska: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-sitting-on-the-couch-wiping-her-sweat-with-tissue-7195033/

It has been a year to the day since my last post and I am in a very different place emotionally. Last year, I was much more hopeful and excited about healing, beginning a new school year, finishing my Master’s, and the restful summer I had experienced. Today, I am tired…tired of the Texas heat, tired of dealing with the nonsense required in the teaching field, tired of living paycheck to paycheck, tired of being unable to afford the medical care I need to be healthy and thrive, tired of not having the time or energy to write.

I have decided that I do not like the road I am traveling and need to make some changes. I have wished and dreamed of making change but kept my focus on priorities that are not in line with the reality of the new adventures I want to pursue. I hereby declare that I am no longer putting energy into goals that line up with my previous pursuits. I am going to do what is required of me day to day to meet my obligations, but I am going to reserve the purist, most energetic, liveliest parts of myself for my creative pursuits and begin in earnest to create the reality I yearn for.

All I know is that I want to work remotely, write, be creative, and make enough money to be comfortable and pay for my medical needs. I’m putting it out there and beginning my journey. I’m tired of being tired.

Health, Poetry, Writing

Medication Experiment

Leave a comment

I am taking medication

to relieve pain.

It is an experiment.

Does it help?

Am I better?

All I know is that

my mind is free to

feel joy:

for my best friend’s

IRS windfall,

my husband

on his way home,

our dog

not escaped,

the tea pot

boiling,

another episode of House

cued up,

my bed

waiting for me.

These are not new,

but my ability to

appreciate them is.

My pleasure is sincere.

The pain is still there.

I am not cured.

No marathons are in my future.

But there is a tiny space,

a slight cushion of awareness,

a sliver of hope that wasn’t

present before.

Like the absence of

intensity has given breathing room,

possibility of expansion,

a moment of focus on something

other than merely coping.

The pain is not gone,

but neither is my mind.

 

RJMarshall 6/2/16

Health, Writing

Hoarding – (Day 22)

2 Comments

Today’s topic is to consider what I might be hoarding that I need to get rid of or share with others:

  1. My writing – I need to get my poetry and books out there to share with others.
  2. Clothes, furniture, blankets, miscellaneous junk in my garage – All of that could go to a thrift store so someone else can enjoy it.
  3. Excess weight – It is not benefiting anyone in any way.
  4. Guilt, Shame, Worry – That is detrimental and needs to be managed or disposed of.
  5. Pain – It needs to be gone.

That is all I can think of right now that I may be hoarding.

Health, Writing

What is to be done? – (Day 19)

4 Comments

Today’s assignment is the completion of yesterday’s complaints/grievances.  I was supposed to consider anything I could do to improve any of those areas.

Pain – I have been trying everything suggested to manage my pain.  I will continue to try different things until I find an answer.  At this moment, I do not have a satisfactory solution.  If I had one, I would quickly employ it.  I do not want to take medications that could become addictive or have other unhealthy side-affects.  I use chiropractic care currently and take some anti-inflammatories when I can barely cope.  Ice helps, as does rest.  Mostly, I cry, and moan, and shift positions until I can bear the discomfort temporarily.

Excess Weight – I joined Weight Watchers and tried pretty hard for about a month.  Then I didn’t try very hard for about a month.  I suppose I should try again (I’m stuck for at least another month in order to get one of my months back free.)

Joint Problems – See pain…except that I know I need to get back to my stretching to improve my flexibility.

Too much Housekeeping – I need to streamline my chores, actually do them regularly, ask David to do more, and continue to declutter so there is less to clean.

David’s Dog – I try not to do much related to Aiko.  I need to encourage David to get her into obedience training, though.

Low Energy – Not sure on this one.  I’m getting enough sleep.  Maybe weight loss and less pain could improve the low energy.

Ungrateful Children – Not much I can do here, but I can let my kids know when they have hurt my feelings and set some boundaries when I feel taken advantage of.

Depression – Again, I don’t want to take medication.  In the past there have been too many side affects.  I think the weight, pain, joint problems, and energy are all connected to the depression.

Unpleasant Hurtful Ex-Husband – There is nothing I can do about this right now.  I just continue to take the high road.

Religious Discomfort – I think I need to recommit to prayer time.  I am doing some meditation and reading spiritual matters, but feel like prayer is lacking.  The discomfort related to my religion of origin may resolve itself someday, but for now, I think I just have to sit with it.

Tight Finances – I am working to try to publish.  I am hoping that will be my ticket to more finances so the tightness will disappear.

Taxes – I have set up a payment plan.  It will take time.

Unkind People Who Purposely Hurt Others – Nothing I can do there, except speak up when I see it happen.

Bedtime Schedules – I don’t think there is a solution to this.  David is a night owl.  I like to go to bed early and rise early whenever I can.  I need to talk to David and try to problem-solve.

Having to work too much – I am going to publish books.  That will be my supplementary income.  Then I can just teach and write.  I won’t need a second job.

Health, Writing

Complaints – (Day 19)

2 Comments

Today’s assignment is to list complaints/grievances and determine if I can do anything about them.

I found the definition of grievance interesting – a real or imagined cause for complaint.  Some of mine are probably imaginary.

Complaints/Grievances:  pain, excess weight, joint problems, too much housekeeping, David’s dog, low energy, ungrateful children, depression, unpleasant hurtful ex-husband, religious discomfort, tight finances, taxes, unkind people who purposely hurt others, bedtime schedules (mine and David’s don’t match), having to work too much

It is too overwhelming right now to think of any ways that I can do anything about these complaints/grievances.  I’m irritated just listing them.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll consider ways to fix things, but for now I’ll let them sit right where they are…

Health, Writing

HEB Jungle

1 Comment

HEB jungle

It has been one week since my pain left my joints.  I have finished my cleanse and am now following a strict diet that does not include any inflammation-causing ingredients…mostly consuming fruits, veggies, lean meats, and drinking tons of water.  I still walk with a limp, tire easily, get cramps and twinges of discomfort, and have swelling that has not gone away entirely.  I am feeling a little more hopeful, though.

The other day I stood up and my hip caught, causing shooting pain all the way to my head.  I doubled over on the bed and wept ferociously.  All the terror of an impending lifetime of crippling pain overwhelmed me and I just broke down.  My poor fiance witnessed my hysteria, tried to console me, and quite heroicly never said another word about it once I was all better.  Such a gentleman.  I have to accept that it will not be all smooth sailing.  I am sure my road to recovery will be arduous and fraught with setbacks, as all roads to recovery seem to be.  Why would I expect it to be otherwise?  But I can’t give up at each obstacle or I’ll never get to the good stuff.

Yesterday, my daughter left me in charge of my granddaughter in the car while she shopped.  She thought we should drive around the parking lot in the air conditioning so I wouldn’t have to walk and we could stay cool in the Texas heat.  Instead, we went on an adventure…something I never would have done a week ago.  Charlotte and I created a pram out of one of the smaller carts and explored the jungle that is HEB’s outdoor garden center.  We touched each and every flower, bush, and plant that looked safe.  We wheeled under hanging plants and looked at them from below.  We weaved in and out of potted trees and stood underneath giant fans that made the shaded area quite comfortable, despite the 95 degree Texas heat.

We got thirsty and enjoyed refreshments next to a beautiful large-leafed plant that looked very exotic.  Charlotte stared at it the entire time she drank her bottle.  For the first time in a very long time, I did something that involved walking, entertained my grandbaby successfully, and spent time outside in a nature-like setting.  This was big for me.  The warmth, good bottle, and spirit of adventure took their toll and left us both quite spent, but it was good fun.  Charlotte is a good recovery partner.  She does not judge my need for breaks, does not hurry me along, goes right along with my crazy ideas, and takes naps.  My kind of girl.

HEB jungle sleepy

Health, Writing

Knock on Wood

7 Comments

charlie2

I am not superstitious, but I hesitate to write this post the way people are afraid of speaking blessings out loud because the devil might steal them or people knock on wood that they have been spared.  Part of me is thrilled.  Part of me is scared.

The thrilled part would like to announce that, as of today, I am pain free.  Gone is my cane.  Gone is my limp.  Gone is the agony with every step that dictated all my plans and efforts on a daily basis.  I am on day 5 of my cleanse, and as promised, my pain is gone.  My healer actually said it might take the full 14 days, but I’m not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth.  I am not comfortable, per say, but I am free of pain.  What I feel now is weakness in muscles that have not been used properly for far too long.  There is also tightness and difficulty with movement in my joints, like they are unaccustomed to moving.  Much still needs to be done to recover fully, but to be given a day off from pain.  My eyes fill with tears of joy and relief as I write this.  I must re-learn to walk properly, use mindful walking, and not overdo it.  I must walk before I run, metaphorically speaking…or perhaps quite literally.  I never thought I would do either again in this lifetime.  I have dreams of running the same as dreams of flying.  Both are desires my body has not been capable of lately.

Now the scared part must rear its fearful head.  What if this reprieve is temporary?  How many days do I have?  One, two, a week?  What if it is only a side-effect of the cleanse and as soon as that is over my pain returns?  Perhaps I will be like Charley in Flowers for Algernon, all too aware of my impending decent back to my normal, which is unacceptable.  I want this to be my new normal.  I am not able to just stay in the now and appreciate a day free of pain.  I want to forecast the future and in the process drive myself crazy.  I know I am supposed to stay in the present, focus on the here and now, be content with this moment of pain-free existence that is enveloping me in peace.  Perhaps admitting my fear gives it less control over me.

Health, Writing

Swimming Sanctuary

2 Comments

pool1

Just now posted, but actually occurred on July 3rd.

I believe I was 9 years old when this above ground pool was installed in my grandparents’ backyard.  That would be 32 years ago.  It has been lovingly maintained and swam in every summer since then.  I lived in that pool when I was a child.  That is where I became a mermaid, baptised myself 40 million times, and then had my official baptism as a teenager.  I also lived in that barn in the background when I was a small child and then again when I had small children.  So much history when your family is large and stays put.  My grandfather built his home, that barn, every shed, this pool with his bare hands and a can-do attitude.  He still doesn’t understand how people have become so lacking in self-sufficiency.  We are all idiots in his mind.

I have had chronic pain for over a year now.  In the past it would come and go, but this last year has brought nearly constant agony.  Unable to do most exercise, I have longed for this pool to be swim-ready for months.  They installed a new ladder/step contraption to help the elderly and disabled get in easier. It is right in the way of where I normally dive in and do my turn-arounds between laps.  I felt crushed that something was different, that the water canvass of my childhood had been marred.  All the while, my grandmother was singing its praises and declaring how much easier she can get in and out, so I held my tongue, fought back my disappointment, and willed myself to accept the change as a positive for others, if not for me.

pool2

And, oh, the deliciousness of that first dive-in, that cold relief to my always overheated body, the compress of pressure that soothes my aching joints…I was transported to a more carefree time when my only concern was how long I could hold my breath under water.

My pain is lessened in the water.  I can stretch a little more, use my muscles a bit more freely, do some exercise that would otherwise be too excruciating, and relax.  To relax with chronic pain is a rare commodity.  Sleep is the only other respite and even then is interrupted by unbearable twinges that become part of gruesome nightmares and wake me in agony.

For the brief time that I am in the water, I am saved.

Health, Writing

My Cleanse

Leave a comment

water bottle

This afternoon I began a cleanse under the care of a local healer whose methods I trust and have experienced firsthand.  Her name is Karen Million and she works out of Lake Travis Wellness Center.  http://www.laketraviswellnesscenter.com/

I began seeing her many years ago for pin and stretch massage therapy to help with a Salsa injury.  Her technique was horribly painful, but she had me back to dancing in no time and her explanations of how the body works changed my whole perspective on healing.  From day one, she told me my entire body was inflamed and I needed to be detoxified.  I listened politely, but secretly poo-pooed her advice in that area.  It all sounded like quackery to me.

Fast forward to now.  She has continued to heal my muscles and joints when I am in the most pain, and has continued to assert that the underlying cause of my pain is inflammation that needs to be managed.  My fibromyalgia, arthritis, injury proneness – all point back to toxic inflammation throughout my body.  Long story short, I bit the bullet, agreed to more of Karen’s draconian healing methods, and have embarked on a cleansing journey.

Parts of this will probably be unpleasant:  no food for 14 days, daily colonics, some nasty tasting herbs and vitamins, most certainly pain level increases as my body pulls toxins from my organs and they try to lodge themselves elsewhere in my body, fatigue, and flu-like symptoms.

The rewards will hopefully outweigh the yuckiness:  by the end I should feel better, have lost some weight, have less joint pain, be rid of some nasty toxins and parasites, and have decreased my overall inflammation.

I am ready for a change.  I want to dance again.  I want to walk without limping.  I want to be able to manage household tasks without breaking down in tears from exhaustion and pain.  I want to feel sexy and strong.  It is empowering to take this step.  I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time that my ailments are fixable.  So long tea and soda.  So long junk food.  Reverse osmosis ice water is my new best friend.

Health, Writing

Playing Nurse

Leave a comment

evil nurse

Everyone around me is sick – my fiance, my daughter, my granddaughter…even my cat.  I kid you not, two kids threw up in my classroom today.  Germs are having a heyday right now for some reason.  Hopefully, my body has recuperated from my last illness enough to fight off these latest bugs.  It must be a variety of illnesses, because everyone’s symptoms are different.  Some of them have sore throats, congestion, fever.  Others have laryngitis, bloodshot eyes, lack of appetite. Then there are those throw-uppers.  What’s that about?

Needless to say, I find myself suddenly in the role of nurse…not my finest hour.  There is a reason I did not go into the medical profession.  Whatever that spark of empathy is that medical personnel have that makes them want to help people with snotty noses, whimpering in pain, or vomiting their guts out…I did not get that gene.  I was not the cookies and kisses and booboo bunny kind of mom with my kids.  They went to their dad for that nurturing.  I was the “you’re not bleeding, you’re ok, can you bend it?, here’s some ice, please make it to the toilet next time” kind of parent. It meant I was calm in a crisis and could get them to the emergency room if need be while their dad was paralyzed by empathetic grief-pain, but it never endeared me to anyone as a good nurse.

I’m trying to do better.  I made my fiance dinner (which he did not eat despite repeatedly saying he was hungry and needed nourishment).  I offered to take his puppy Aiko to get her shots so he wouldn’t wear himself out.  He refused and took her, wore himself out, and could barely crawl back into bed.  I had to practically force my daughter to let me take her to the doctor because she was beginning to look like a skeleton, had eaten nothing in days, and was not getting better.  She wanted to just stay in bed and get progressively worse until she shriveled up and died…despite the fact that she is nursing my granddaughter and kind of needs to live.

That is when it hit me.  I can’t nurse well because people suck at being patients.  You are suppose to do what the nurse says, take your medicine, drink your fluids, stay in bed, and follow doctor’s orders.  I get sick a lot and deal with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, arthritis, injuries (due to clumsiness and overdoing it) and I am a very good patient.  I take every last dose of antibiotics if (GOD forbid) I am prescribed them.  I do every last painful stretch or exercise any physical therapist assigns me.  Even when I was at my worst and had to go to the hospital with food poisoning, they were surprised that I only needed one bag of fluids.  A nurse told me to push fluids, so I continued drinking even though every single sip was torture.  I follow directions.  I can’t help these people get well.  I can’t fix their ailments.  I guess all I can do is try to offer some comfort.

My fiance wants to know what I am doing right this second.  He said he wants me to come hold him while he sleeps.  Um…we are going to have to find a compromise.  This nurse might be able to offer a foot rub.  Then I’ve got to get back to my real imaginary job…writing.

clipboard