Tag Archives: illness

I May Be a Widebody Homebody, But I Identify as a Hardbody

(Poem 30 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

AI Generated image I prompted on Gencraft.com https://gencraft.ai/p/nHOS7T

No governing body can rule our spirits once
we have had an out-of-body experience
transporting us to realms of celestial bodies
that remind us we are more than mortal bodies
or just a warm body being body-shamed
and selling our bodies for survival.
The beauty of truth is that we have no
body double, nobody exactly like us;
even clones are their own, nor do we
deserve to be treated as such – no matter
what they claim they caught on their
body cams while hollowing out our
body cavities because of our
body odor…body piercings…frequency of
body shots…over our dead bodies.
We must refuse to do perpetual body checks
and shrink ourselves with body wraps
cranking the heat on our body temperature
to make ourselves smaller, then body slamming
ourselves for lack of perfect beach bodies,
our inner mafiosos dropping bodies out of the
body of a plane as punishment for our size,
while pretending to have body positivity.
Our body of work grows in proportion
to our body of knowledge like a vast
body of water when we finally
forget to pay attention to the
body of opinion of the masses aiming
their frigid body language toward any
body politic who chooses their
heavenly body over body building.
When we love, body and soul,
without a jealous bone in our bodies
and believe in the wisdom of others
akin to fruiting bodies, contrary to the
body of evidence doubters spout
claiming body mass index a god…
body snatchers will try to rack up
body counts, forcing people into body bags
with body blows because they are afraid of
somebody, anybody, and everybody who are
bodyguards of our own fate, more concerned with
body heat from bodysurfing galaxies than what
bodies without souls think of our body rolls.

@Home Studio – 30th poem of the year

Runner ups for the AI Mystical Big Bodies photos to accompany my poem:

Lesson 5 The Way of the Wizard

(Poem 26 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

“Relativity allows us to bend our belief in linear time.” Deepak Chopra’s The Way of the Wizard    

AI Generated image I prompted on Gencraft.com https://gencraft.ai/p/al5DZw

Let’s grow younger each day
until we disappear at birth
defying immutable laws,
escaping such silly fairy tales
as death, for we know better.

Growing older is a worn-out
habit that traps us in time;
beings of light are not subject
to the man-made principles
of minutes and seconds.

False logic dooms us to repeat
the spell of mortality where we
insist on quantifying eternity.
We must unwrap our layers of
contrary beliefs to find immortality.

There at our core beneath
our deepest fears, lies the
deathless part of ourselves,
The part of us that “must be
unborn if it is never to die.”

@Home Studio – 26th poem of the year

Chopra, Deepak. The Way of the Wizard: Twenty Spiritual Lessons for Creating the Life You Want. New York, United States of America, Harmony Books, 1995, pp.41-46

Runner ups for the AI birth, death, timeless photos to accompany my poem:

Proud Bringer of This Is Me

(Poem 19 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

“I make no apologies, this is me.” – Lettie Lutz in The Greatest Showman

AI Generated image I prompted on Gencraft.com https://gencraft.ai/p/FxZumQ

If he rejects all your broken parts,
he doesn’t deserve any of you.
If she can’t accept you scars and all,
she doesn’t need the pretty smooth layer.
If they want to kick you while you’re down,
they don’t get to celebrate your triumph.

If he hopes to bring you guilt and shame,
he shouldn’t earn your praise or loyalty.
If she turns away from your deepest pain,
she doesn’t merit sharing your joy.
If their words are meant to bruise and cut,
they are not entitled to your heart.

Make no apologies; there is nothing you
are not worthy of. You are a glorious,
barricade busting, drum major marching,
get back up again, not scared to be seen,
flood sending, meant to be,
proud bringer of this is me.

@Home Studio after attending Alamo Village Drafthouse’s The Greatest Showman sing along with Debbie and Liz – 19th poem of the year

Gracey, Michael. The Greatest Showman. Twentieth Century Fox,
  2017.

Runner ups for the AI circus proud and unique photos to accompany my poem:

A Duke By Any Other Name

(Poem 17 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

“To those contending with chronic intermittent infirmity.” – A Duke By Any Other Name book dedication

A duke by any other name
might well be a beggar
or find himself locked away
in Bedlam whether sane or no.

A lady of questionable upbringing
is as good as ruined
by too much enthusiasm
or too little interest in finery.

Heaven forbid the two
take an interest in each other’s
worlds, dictums of society be
flouted and customs ignored.

Only truth can heal old wounds,
restore families long separated
by fear of shame, and bring
peace to hurting hearts.

@Home Studio after finishing the book A Duke By Any Other Name by Grace Burrowes – 17th poem of the year

Burrowes, Grace. A Duke By Any Other Name, Forever, NY, 2020.

Strong Suffering

(Poem 16 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

“When we insulate ourselves from the possibility of harm, we also deprive ourselves of the beauty that our brokenness can display.” -Jay Wolf in Suffer Strong

Strong suffering
bears little resemblance
to gritting of teeth,
white-knuckled grip,
muffled cries to spare
sensibilities ill-suited to pain.

No, strong suffering
is the unfurling of a
closed heart to her lover,
a ripening of self,
splitting apart of shell
to reveal the vulnerable
underbelly of fear.

Strong suffering
does not batten
down the hatches and
bolt the doors
against all possible
atrocities, real or imagined.

No, she flings open
the shutters to welcome
the wind and invites
the intruders to break
bread at her table,
her only intention
to pay attention.

@Home Studio after finishing the book Suffer Strong by Katherine and Jay Wolf – 16th poem of the year

Wolf, Katherine and Jay, Suffer Strong – How to Survive Anything by
  Redefining Everything, Zondervan, Michigan, 2020.

The New Year

(Poem 8 for 2024 – I am writing a poem a day)

(AI Generated images I prompted on Gencraft.com)

The new year arrived without
much ado while I slept.
Then the proverbial fan spluttered.
Five hours later, I drove my
husband home from the emergency room
a little doped up, but thankful
for temporary relief from a kidney stone.
Two days later I propped up his ass
so he wouldn’t fall off the porch
after a root canal and more meds
than his delicate constitution
could withstand on a weekday.
We’re only a few days in to 2024,
but it needs to slow its roll,
pace itself, it’s doing too much.

@Home Studio – 8th poem of the year

(Some more images playing around with AI…one of my favorite is this dragon representing 2024 doing WAY TOO MUCH!)

(And this poor little guy in the bottom left about to get eaten by 2024…)

(Here are some more because I was having trouble coming up with an image to represent what I wanted. We’ve got bleak city streets, Dickensonian dental surgery, and the after Christmas blues in this collage.)

Skip the Exercise

What part of my routine am I tempted to skip? That is the journal topic of the day suggested by WordPress. I am tempted to skip the truth and say cleaning or something less incriminating, but I hate exercising. I don’t like sweating, moving, hurting, aching, exerting, breathing heavily, pumping my heart, flexing my muscles, or anything of the sort.

I know I need to. I know it is important for my health, aging, bone density, healing processes, blah…blah…blah. I am not stupid or uninformed. I make myself do some exercise sometimes. But it hurts my joints, my nerves, my muscles, my bones. No matter what I do, be it stretching, swimming, biking, walking, dancing, yoga, you name it. It hurts and I am miserable before, during, and after. A good work out will leave me suffering for days.

Others say exercise is a good pain for them. That does not exist for me. I was an athlete as a child (a gymnast) and even enjoyed swimming, dancing, and ice skating into my late 30’s. By my 40’s, everything hurt too badly. Oh, well. There you have it. I am tempted to skip the exercise most days. A nice cup of tea and a good book, or better yet, a nap is much more inviting than pain.

Waking up from discouragement…

My last post was in October.  I reported that I had not written since authority figures in my life slammed me with judgment, censorship, and criticism…not only of my writing, but my discernment as a human being and professional.

Now my job is in jeopardy–not connected to my writing, politics above my station.  I am working from home due to the coronavirus and quarantine and all that bizarreness that is occurring in this world right now.

I have also taken in grandchildren temporarily while adult children fix their worlds.  I’ve had a winter of sickness and slow recovery.  I’ve battled a time of sadness.  And I’ve applied to begin working on my master’s degree.  Big things are happening.

And all I want to do is write…and read…and write some more.  Enough pouting, sulking, brooding, etc.  It is time to get back to finding my joy.  I cannot be derailed by others whose opinions I don’t even value anyway.  It has certainly not been a conscious decision to take a sabbatical from writing, but that is what has occurred.  And it has not been good for me.

Here and now, I resolve to get back to writing.  I declare this time of non-writing ended.   Rebekah the writer is back.

Medication Experiment

I am taking medication

to relieve pain.

It is an experiment.

Does it help?

Am I better?

All I know is that

my mind is free to

feel joy:

for my best friend’s

IRS windfall,

my husband

on his way home,

our dog

not escaped,

the tea pot

boiling,

another episode of House

cued up,

my bed

waiting for me.

These are not new,

but my ability to

appreciate them is.

My pleasure is sincere.

The pain is still there.

I am not cured.

No marathons are in my future.

But there is a tiny space,

a slight cushion of awareness,

a sliver of hope that wasn’t

present before.

Like the absence of

intensity has given breathing room,

possibility of expansion,

a moment of focus on something

other than merely coping.

The pain is not gone,

but neither is my mind.

 

RJMarshall 6/2/16

Hoarding – (Day 22)

Today’s topic is to consider what I might be hoarding that I need to get rid of or share with others:

  1. My writing – I need to get my poetry and books out there to share with others.
  2. Clothes, furniture, blankets, miscellaneous junk in my garage – All of that could go to a thrift store so someone else can enjoy it.
  3. Excess weight – It is not benefiting anyone in any way.
  4. Guilt, Shame, Worry – That is detrimental and needs to be managed or disposed of.
  5. Pain – It needs to be gone.

That is all I can think of right now that I may be hoarding.