Tag Archives: recovery

Health, Writing

Weight Watchers – (Day 18)

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My assignment for today was to turn to the person next to me and ask what I should write about.  That just so happens to be my husband David.  He suggested writing about my disappointment with my body lately via my Weight Watchers program.  Those weren’t his exact words, but that was the general gist.

So earlier he asked how my program was going.  That is just opening a whole can of worms.  Not only have I not been following my program, but tomorrow is weigh in day and I don’t even want to go.  I didn’t go last week because I was sick.  I had been doing well up until I got sick.  Then I couldn’t find anything that would sit well on my stomach for days afterwards.  I basically ate whatever tasted good and as much of that as I wanted.

Anyway, that was the beginning of a downward spiral as far as portion control, healthy eating, and tracking what I eat.  I have had over a week of eating everything in sight until I actually felt full.  Sigh…

I was doing really well for six weeks.  I lost seven pounds, was moving around a bit more, and felt like I was making better choices over all.  Honestly, though, I was still hungry often and not really satisfied.  I felt like I was always on guard, writing down every single thing that went into my mouth, belaboring how many points everything was, and debating the merits of each and every bite.  It felt a little neurotic, but at least I wasn’t gaining any more weight.

I am fairly certain that if I go to Weight Watchers tomorrow, I will have gained weight.  It will confirm that my natural state of feeling satisfied by food means getting fatter and fatter.  So I am sad and discouraged and have basically given up…

 

Health, Writing

Excite/Drain – (Day 12)

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Today’s assignment is to make a list of things that excite me and things that drain me:

Excites Me:  Writing things I want to write, reading books, spending time with my husband, artist’s dates, lunches/tea with friends one-on-one, watching shows I like, going to the movies, teaching, creating lessons that excite teenagers, dancing Salsa, eating good food, getting to see my granddaughter Charlotte, going to WriteHers’ Group at coffee shops, naps, early bedtimes, great quotes, positive stories, peace, listening to my records and music of my choosing, planning/listing/scheduling stuff

I should do more of these things.

Drains Me:  Grading papers, spending time with groups of people, meetings of any kind, my children, cleaning, exercising, cooking, David’s dog, paying bills, working my part-time job on weekends, taking care of my granddaughter Charlotte, shopping, playing games, parties, social gathering of any kind pretty much, Facebook, ethical relativism, conflict, music I don’t like, loud tv, video games, worrying

I should do less of these things.

Essays, Writing

Fears…(Day 9)

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Today’s assignment is to write down everything I’m afraid of:

my children or grandchildren dying, being able to support myself financially, having to move in with family if I lose my home, not existing after death, my husband leaving me, never making it as a writer, becoming debilitated by pain, getting fatter, losing the ability to orgasm, never being able to Salsa again, going to jail, spiraling into alcoholism, moving away from my family, losing my Mema, depression, my ex-husband, not being able to pay my taxes, being taken to court, house fires, dental work, giant machinery, traveling to dangerous countries, being alone in the dark in an unfamiliar place

Then I am supposed to strike through  each phrase with a pen as though slaying a dragon.  I’m not sure how to do that on this program, so I’m picturing it in my mind.

dragon slayer

Health, Writing

Map My Week – (Day 7)

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For today’s assignment, I’m supposed to map out my week to see where most of my time is spent.  Um…I think I already know that my time goes to work and sleep for the most part…not very exciting.

Monday – 9 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 3.5 hours David time (husband), .5 cleaning

Tuesday – 9 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 4 hours Charlotte time (granddaughter)

Wednesday – 9 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 3.5 hours David time (husband)/ writing some, .5 cleaning

Thursday – 9 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 1 hour driving, 1 hour Weight Watchers, 2 hours WriteHers’ Group

Friday – 9 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 3.5 hours David time (husband), .5 cleaning

Saturday – 8.5 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 4 hours friends and family time, .5 cleaning

Sunday – 8.5 hours work, 9 hours sleep, 1 hour hygiene, 1 hour food prep, 4 hours David time (husband)/ writing some, .5 cleaning

Totals – 62 hours work, 63 hours sleep, 7 hours hygiene, 7 hours food prep, 2.5 hours cleaning, 18.5 hours David time/writing some, 2 hours WriteHers’ Group, 4 hours friend and family time, 1 hour Weight Watchers, 1 hour driving

Yep…just as I thought.  I work too much and have no alone time.

 

Health, Writing

Receipt Memories – (Day 5)

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IMG_2040

For today’s assignment, I was supposed to find a receipt and say what I can remember about the day I made the purchase.

My husband and I got in around 1 in the morning after driving home from his martial arts class 3 /12 hours away in Houston.  We were exhausted and probably fell asleep by 1:30 or 2:00am.  Suddenly, I was awakened by David fiddling with my phone around 3:45am.  Because my ringer was silenced, I didn’t know my daughter had been calling and texting for 30 minutes straight.  David woke up somehow and alerted me.

She was at the emergency room with heart palpitations brought on by unknown causes.  A friend of hers got her to the hospital and my grandmother kept the baby.  I sat in the room with her and her friend for a few hours talking, reassuring, and asking the doctors questions they couldn’t answer.

When it became apparent that it was going to be a few more hours before she would be released, the doctors were declaring all the major systems working fine, and her friend was planning to stay with her, I headed home to sleep some more.  I was exhausted and running on fumes.

My alarm was set for 9:30am because I had a 10:00am appointment to get my Depo shot.  From there I headed to my grandmother’s to check on my daughter and granddaughter.  On the way, my Mema asked if I could stop by Walgreens and pick up Lydia’s prescription for an anxiety med.  The doctors ruled her episode a panic attack brought on by anxiety.  Who knows if that is the real diagnosis.  My grandbaby Charlotte was in a great mood, running all over and entertaining everyone.   My sister and brother-in-law were there, too.  It was good fun.

The rest of the day was spent relaxing with my husband watching episodes of Community and Friends.  We made salmon for dinner and enjoyed a day off on a weekday.  It was President’s Day and my school was closed.  David’s company was shut down, too.  We had a lovely relaxing evening.  He painted.  I wrote.  Life was good.  It started scary and rough, but ended well.

I think one of my favorite moments was at 3 something am when my sweet husband offered to accompany me to the hospital.  He was even more tired than me after hours of martial arts, but offered to come with me.  I am a lucky, lucky woman.

 

 

Health, Writing

Thanks to… (Day 2)

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Today’s assignment is to appreciate things people have taught me in life.

Thanks to Charlotte who taught me what it feels like to be a grandmother.

Thanks to Boaz who taught me how to let go.

Thanks to Lydia who taught me to love unconditionally.

Thanks to Tony who taught me to endure difficulty and remain compassionate.

Thanks to David who taught me how to relax and love again.

 

Health, Writing

30-Day Challenge: Day 1 – Write a Fan Letter

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Today’s assignment is to commit to 30 days of doing something without breaking the chain.  After 30 days I get a prize of my choosing.  I am going to commit to actually doing these exercises and blogging them daily for 30 days.  As for my prize…I’ll have to think about that.  I can pick anything!!!

Today’s assignment is to Write a Fan Letter.

Dear Dr. Martha Beck,

Thank you for all the help and guidance you have given to me in my life.  I have read every one of your books and every article written in O the Oprah magazine.  At night before I go to sleep, I read a few pages of Finding Your Way in a Wild New World.  I call you my guru when quoting you to others.

Part of my connection to your writing is the religious element.  I read your book Leaving The Saints about your strict religious background that you broke away from to create the life you have now.  Only someone who has survived such an experience can understand.  Knowing you have come from that place makes me trust your advice all the more and makes it more relevant to my own experience.

I have become more open to the spiritual element in my life thanks to meditation exercises, written exercises, and insightful quotes that you have shared in your books.  I’ve begun writing as a future career path thanks to reading Finding Your Own North Star.  And the monthly articles in O give great, useful, life advice that I have shared with many a friend in crisis.  I hope someday I can afford to hire you as a Life Coach or attend a retreat, but in the meantime I’ll garner all the wisdom I can from your writing.

The fact that you love and quote Mary Oliver is the icing on the cake.  You spur me to heroic adventures that “break my heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world.”

Thank you for your loving help through your heartfelt writing,

Rebekah Marshall

 

  

 

 

Health, Writing

4 Vacation Days Left

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woman in hammock

I have thoroughly enjoyed this vacation.  I have filled it a bit too full at times, but I made up for that yesterday with two long naps!  My creativity course is proceeding splendidly.  I am in week 2 and have done all of my writing exercises each and every day.  I’m learning a little bit about my own habits and weaknesses that tend to interfere with my time for writing.  I am also learning a plethora about my own creative potential and how much untapped awesomeness is contained in this universe.  I don’t have to believe that every ounce resides in me, but simply that I can be a channel to get it on paper.  I have to develop the willingness to let all that energy and beauty flow through me.  Part of the willingness is simply showing up to the page and taking the steps to do the work.  I do a ton more daydreaming about writing than actually writing.  🙂

Also, I am very excited to report that my sweet fiance has a three day weekend, which he will be spending with me when he wakes up.  He was up during the night with a sick dog.  I was no help.  I was conked out.  The dog and I are fine this morning, but my poor man is exhausted and needs to sleep the morning away.

Super amazing news – I have reached my summertime swimming goal of 60 laps.  I’m not resting on my laurels, though.  Now I’ve decided to set a new goal of 66 laps because my grandfather figured out that 66 (considering all the measurements of his pool) would equal half a mile.  I just like the sound of swimming a nice round half mile.

This has been one of my best vacations ever.  I have Salsa’d, written, read, sipped tons of tea, played with my granddaughter, attended support groups, worked on my creativity course, cleaned house making my environment more livable, swam, had outings with friends, gone to the movies, taken myself out to eat, roamed bookstores, and napped to my heart’s content.  This is the way to live.

Poetry, Writing

The lady at the front desk – a poem

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jail cell

The lady at the front desk

has an accent I can’t place.

Bright red dyed hair glows

like something radioactive.

She scolds the fact that I am on time;

early is the only acceptable number.

Words spit like machine gun fire –

bullet proof glass protects her from reprisal.

Woman number two attacks, actually

leaves her booth to eviscerate my daughter’s wardrobe.

My glare the only weapon I have;

she knows she has all the power.

Our true crime –

being related to my son.

He awaits our visit behind a clear wall,

his voice distant through the jailhouse phone.

He rolls his eyes as I explain the

reason his sister cannot visit.

Shorts too short, probably influenced

by the blue hair and tattoos.

We talk openly of the evil guards,

hope they’re listening in.

Corruption abounds, secret rules,

a cesspool of human indecency.

We wax simplistic on the meaning of life

and whether or not God sends dreams.

Black holes, the beginning of time,

alternate realities, expansion of the universe.

The mother in me wonders if other mothers

talk of such things when they visit their sons in jail.

A piece of trash sits on the floor

unmoved since my visit last week.

Even the air is oppressive,

cold hard metal the most comfort offered.

Another mother and I

ride the elevator down to the ground.

We talk like old friends of everything

except our sons, guilty with relief of leaving.

The fluorescent red-head plops my license into the metal indention

so no actual human interaction has to occur.

No eye contact, no goodbye, no apology

for making a horrible situation even worse.

The workers look miserable, underpaid, imprisoned

within the same walls as the people they guard.

My daughter posts a selfie as she flips off the jail –

and the women who cannot see her from the safety of outside.

I am irritated by her silent vulgar rebellion,

and maybe a little proud that she is my daughter.

-Rebekah J. Marshall

visitation

Health, Writing

HEB Jungle

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HEB jungle

It has been one week since my pain left my joints.  I have finished my cleanse and am now following a strict diet that does not include any inflammation-causing ingredients…mostly consuming fruits, veggies, lean meats, and drinking tons of water.  I still walk with a limp, tire easily, get cramps and twinges of discomfort, and have swelling that has not gone away entirely.  I am feeling a little more hopeful, though.

The other day I stood up and my hip caught, causing shooting pain all the way to my head.  I doubled over on the bed and wept ferociously.  All the terror of an impending lifetime of crippling pain overwhelmed me and I just broke down.  My poor fiance witnessed my hysteria, tried to console me, and quite heroicly never said another word about it once I was all better.  Such a gentleman.  I have to accept that it will not be all smooth sailing.  I am sure my road to recovery will be arduous and fraught with setbacks, as all roads to recovery seem to be.  Why would I expect it to be otherwise?  But I can’t give up at each obstacle or I’ll never get to the good stuff.

Yesterday, my daughter left me in charge of my granddaughter in the car while she shopped.  She thought we should drive around the parking lot in the air conditioning so I wouldn’t have to walk and we could stay cool in the Texas heat.  Instead, we went on an adventure…something I never would have done a week ago.  Charlotte and I created a pram out of one of the smaller carts and explored the jungle that is HEB’s outdoor garden center.  We touched each and every flower, bush, and plant that looked safe.  We wheeled under hanging plants and looked at them from below.  We weaved in and out of potted trees and stood underneath giant fans that made the shaded area quite comfortable, despite the 95 degree Texas heat.

We got thirsty and enjoyed refreshments next to a beautiful large-leafed plant that looked very exotic.  Charlotte stared at it the entire time she drank her bottle.  For the first time in a very long time, I did something that involved walking, entertained my grandbaby successfully, and spent time outside in a nature-like setting.  This was big for me.  The warmth, good bottle, and spirit of adventure took their toll and left us both quite spent, but it was good fun.  Charlotte is a good recovery partner.  She does not judge my need for breaks, does not hurry me along, goes right along with my crazy ideas, and takes naps.  My kind of girl.

HEB jungle sleepy