Category Archives: Essays

Musings and personal thoughts on life, family, memories, and events.

Essays, Writing

Winter Essentials Gathered

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This is my line up for the Texas Winter (a.k.a. this weekend):

Hafiz’s Little Book of Life by Hafiz, made new by Erfan Mojib & Gary Gach

Millionaire Success Habits by Dean Graziosi

Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman

Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue

Gabi, A Girl in Pieces by Isabel Quintero

Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver

The New Testament for Gen Z Translated by ChatGPT

The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis

I’ll report back if I finish any of them. Alright, I’m diving under the covers. See you after the freeze.

Essays, Writing

A Court of Silver Flames (ACOTAR Book Review 5)

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All images created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompts using AI on Gencraft.com website.

WARNING – SPOILERS

A Court of Silver Flames, the 5th book in the ACOTAR series, kept me on the edge of my seat. The female-centered, recovery-journey, inner-struggle deep dive is both inspirational and aspirational. I was never made to feel pity for the women fighting to regain their power but something more akin to sisterhood, hope, and absolute celebration. Every step of the way, each woman had to come into her own and claim her strength. Those are the role models girls need today.   

This book is definitely some of the steamiest spiciness out of the five books so far. I was fanning myself a few times. It is more concentrated on Nesta’s story, but all the main characters appear hear and there so we can keep up with their lives, as well. We fear for the lives of several main characters whose love has set them on a straight course for death. I won’t give anything away, but the tension and concern are intense. I’ve grown to love these characters and always yearn for happy endings.  

The newer characters that have been added to our family hold up their end of making us fall in love with them. When they are endangered multiple times, I am guilty of getting pre-mad at Sarah J. Maas. Creating characters for us to bond with only to kill them off would be the grossest form of manipulation and might lead to reader protests in the streets. I kept hoping she would not break my heart.  

Maas, Sarah J. A Court of Silver Flames. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2021.

Essays, Writing

A Court of Frost and Starlight (ACOTAR Book Review 4)   

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Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.

WARNING – SPOILERS

A Court of Frost & Starlight, the 4th book in the ACOTAR series is a lovely, little, short novel wrapping up the last remaining threads of Feyre’s transformation. It focuses on her trying on her new role as High Lady and true partner to her love and delves into the parts of her that have been neglected because of war and survival. A key aspect is her art and desire to create, share her creativity, and understand creation as vital to her fulfillment.  

It is a peak into homelife, an intimate Winter Solstice celebration, growth and blossoming of friendships, Mor’s self-realizations, and one of Feyre’s sisters suffering from emotional turmoil that gets totally out of hand. Interestingly, different voices begin to emerge. There are portions of the book from the perspectives of Rhysand, Cassian, Nesta, and Mor. The majority are in Feyre’s voice, but it is a nice change experiencing the inner thoughts of some of her loved ones.

This felt like a pause before a storm, a much-needed rest after the war and carnage of the 3rd book. I was disappointed that it was so short, as I wanted to learn more about all the members of the team & family. But book 4 is appropriately long, so I look forward to diving into that one immediately.

Maas, Sarah J. A Court of Frost and Starlight. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2018.

Essays, Longform, Writing

Letters Everyone Should Read: James Baldwin & Ta-Nehisi Coates

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TRIGGER WARNING: This essay contains discussion of racism, police violence, death, and racial trauma in a critical and literary context.

James Baldwin’s letter to his nephew is both personal and national in appeal as a publicly published letter to inspire black Americans and scold white. Likewise, Ta-Nehisi Coates’s letter to his son reveals extremely personal details that may encourage black Americans and spur white Americans to pick up the mantle of struggle alongside their darker brothers. Both letters speak to the lack of equality present for black Americans and the need for white mindset change for improvement to occur.

In “A Letter to my Nephew”, Baldwin moves chronologically through his life telling the tale of his nephew’s origins. He weaves into the personal story of his family’s tale, the historical context that affects them all including the results of geographic constraints, political, economic, legal, etc. that make life harder for African Americans. For example, Baldwin writes, “This innocent country set you down in a ghetto in which, in fact, it intended that you should perish.” He goes on to attempt to explain the thinking of the white “countrymen” that would permit such unfair treatment of their brothers. “They are in effect still trapped in a history which they do not understand and until they understand it, they cannot be released from it.” This calling out of uninformed white people is the way Baldwin throws down his gauntlet. It is up to everyone to become informed and prepare for change. The rest of the letter is encouragement to his nephew to be brave and loving as he continues the fight. And near the end he makes the inclusive statement, “We cannot be free until they are free” (Baldwin). He flips the idea of oppression on its head. The oppressor is the one who is in chains due to their refusal to educate themselves and grow with the changes that terrify them.

Coates’s Between the World and Me tells the tale of significant points in his life, including the birth of his son, but it is not strictly chronological. He jumps around in time, beginning with a recent interview and meanders through different time periods throughout the book. Coates weaves historical incidents like police shootings of unarmed black people, redefines terms to his preferences – terms like race and racism, dreamers, and white – glorifies black culture including music, art, literature, and fashion, and includes interviews with mothers who lost children to police violence. His letter feels at once even more personal in connection to his son and, at the same time, even more broadly an accusation of all Americans complicit in the conspiracy to oppress black people.

As Coates meanders through white on black oppression, he addresses his own fear that grew out of living while black. He admits that he does not want to raise his son with the same fearful perspective but also recognizes that fear might be what has helped him stay alive. He tells stories showing that constant awareness of potential danger is necessary for safety. He also admits that hyper-sensitivity to danger sometimes removes the ability to live in the moment and enjoy the present. Using so many resources to remain in fight or flight mode steals reserves that could have been used for learning, experiencing, connecting, and joy. These are the things that make him angry, that make him feel hopeless and make him realize that there is still much struggle left for all to endure. He encourages his son to struggle but does not seem to call him to love the same as Baldwin. He encourages him to endure but does not provide the same hopeful outlook as Baldwin. It seems like a public shaming of white America. They have continued to oppress, even in the face of countless opportunities to change. Perhaps Coates is hoping to guilt them into an awakening. Coates’s letter ends with witnessing the same crumbling infrastructure that has been the setting for so many black lives – “and I felt the fear” (Coates 152).

Works Cited

Baldwin, James. “A Letter to My Nephew.” The Progressive. 1 Dec, 1962, progressive.org/magazine/letter-nephew/

Coates, Ta-Nehisi. Between the World and Me. Spiegel & Grau, 2015.

Essays, Longform, Writing

Reflections on James Baldwin’s Appeal to the Possibility of Relationship

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TRIGGER WARNING: This essay contains discussion of racism, racial violence, police brutality, and psychological trauma in a literary context.

Baldwin’s writings seem to assert that all people deserve the opportunity to be understood, and barring that, at least given a fair shake to make their way in the world. A self-proclaimed witness to the treatment of his people, he uses story to persuade others to open themselves to the possibility of relationship, or at least the ability to visualize the other. In “Previous Condition”, the main character is a black man having an affair with a white woman. She grew up in poverty and argues with him when he implies that only black people have it hard economically. The argument sounds as though it could have been heard on YouTube with its layers of race, class, gender, and privilege still such hot current issues. However, Ida the white woman, does not get kicked out of a dwelling simply because of the color of her skin, as is the case for the black actor she is debating. Even more horrible is the description in “Sonny’s Blues” of white men running over and murdering Sonny’s uncle just for the fun of it. Evil breeds hatred. Sonny’s father “never really did get right again. Till the day he died he weren’t sure but that every white man he saw was the man that killed his brother” (Going 118). These are examples of the ways in which people as individuals interact in his stories showing the depth of conflict created by race in relationships.

In “This Morning, This Evening, So Soon” Baldwin paints the scene of a black man who has forgotten how to play the game of pacifying the white police officers as is so often necessary to ensure minority safety. The main character says, “I had once known how to pitch my voice precisely between curtness and servility…” (Going 163). He’s been in France so long and interacted with white people under a different social contract for so long that he has forgotten the tricks he used to know to keep himself safe around white people with power who hate him. This speaks to the “armies” of whom Baldwin speaks. The police represent the powers that be and are an ever-present menace to the black characters in his books. In “Going to Meet the Man,” the main character is a white police officer who truly believes he is simply enforcing rules God himself established. He says it wasn’t his fault the black people “fight against God and go against the rules laid down in the Bible” (Baldwin Going 235). This is an example of the way church gets mixed up in all the oppression in people’s minds. All these systems interact to create menaces of themselves.

Yet, somehow, despite all the horrors Baldwin witnessed and wrote about, he continually returns to the theme of love. He seems to believe that love can prevail. I am in awe of his optimism. In “A Letter to My Nephew,” he writes, “love shall force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it” (Baldwin Letter). I hope and pray that he is right.

Works Cited

Baldwin, James. “A Letter to My Nephew.” The Progressive. 1 Dec, 1962, progressive.org/magazine/letter-nephew/

Baldwin, James. Going to Meet the Man. Vintage International, 1948.

Essays, Longform, Writing

Oscar’s Lack of Dominican Machismo in Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

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TRIGGER WARNING: This essay discusses gender roles, sexuality, cultural expectations, and references to violence and death in a literary context.

Oscar de Leon, the main protagonist of Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, is woefully terrible with the ladies. “His lack of game” is noticed by everyone around him and he often cries “in the bathroom where nobody could hear him” over “his love of some girl or another” (Diaz 23-24). A pickup line he actually uses is, “If you were in my game I would give you an eighteen Charisma” (Diaz 174). Though many people offer advice including Yunior, his uncle, and Lola, none of it sticks. Yunior says “he tried to get him to stop hollering at strange girls on the street…” but Oscar insisted that “nothing else has any efficacy, I might as well be myself” (Diaz 174).

When Oscar finally falls for a woman who seems to accept him, Ybon, she is the wrong woman according to Dominican culture. She is too old, too promiscuous, too “claimed-by-a-cop” already. However, he perseveres and gets himself killed in the process. Whether that is stubbornness, machismo, or crazy (maybe all three) it is certainly along the lines of grabbing “a muchacha, y meteselo” like his uncle advised (Diaz 24). And when he finally gets Ybon to himself for a week, it sounds as though he makes the most of his time enjoying sexual exploits like the best of them. However, even then, what he really loves are the little unanticipated intimacies like “combing her hair”, the way she would “sit on his lap”, or “watching her walk naked to the bathroom” (Diaz 334). He is well-rounded in his appreciation of the entire experience, which is more admirable than simply enjoying the sex. At the end when he says, “The beauty! The beauty!” it sounds like a counter to Conrad’s Heart of Darkness “The horror! The horror!” (Diaz 334, Conrad 12). To him, the sacrifice is worth it.

If the willingness to face violence or defend women against violence is any part of machismo, then Oscar qualifies as a Dominican male at least a few times in his life. He takes a gun and is willing to confront Manny in order to defend Ana (Diaz 47). Thankfully, Manny does not show up and Oscar gets to remain a lover, not a fighter. He knows he could be beaten, but continues spending time with Ybon right up until he is beaten near to death (Diaz 298-299). And he knows he will be killed for his determination to be with Ybon in the end. He faces his death with the fervor of “a hero, an avenger”, and tells his killers he will be waiting for them on the other side (Diaz 320). That takes some guts.

To the degree that the American ideal is “all men are created equal”, Oscar’s lack of “Dominicanness” makes him more American. But, suffice it to say, America does not do a great job with equality either. Both cultures still have a long way to go toward treating all people with the decency and kindness that humans deserve despite gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, etc. Perhaps that is why Yunior talks about Oscar’s niece Isis as the future hope of breaking the curse. The beginnings of the end of the fuku were in Oscar’s rebellion. But if the original curse was put in place by a machismo man whose ultimate power over women caused death and evil, then a woman will be needed to end it once and for all. Who better than someone named after Isis, the goddess who protected the dead and invented marriage? Nice job, Diaz.

Works Cited

Conrad, Joseph, and D.C.R.A. Goonetilleke. Heart of Darkness. Peterborough, Ont: Broadview, 1999.

Diaz, Junot. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Riverhead Books, New York, 2007.

Tyldesley, Joyce. “Isis.” Britannica. Dec. 3, 2020, http://www.britannica.com/topic/Isis-Egyptian-goddess

Essays, Longform, Writing

Appearance Reflections from Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

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TRIGGER WARNING: This essay discusses fatphobia, body shaming, bullying, racial and ethnic stereotyping, and includes quoted ableist and homophobic language from the source text.

Image created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompt using AI on Gencraft.

Oscar, the main character in Junot Diaz’s novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, is less concerned about his appearance than everyone around him, especially the narrator Yunior. If others could accept his size, color, eyes, and nerdy persona, things might go a little better for the protagonist. Alas, such is not to be in poor Oscar’s world populated by people who demand that stereotypes be enacted and maintained in order for the world they understand to continue to turn on its carefully constructed axis. In high school Oscar was the “fat, lonely, nerdy kid” who weighed “260 when he was depressed, which was often” (Diaz 19). He wore his “semikink hair in a Puerto Rican afro”, maintained a non-stylish mustache, had thick black-rimmed glasses, behind which eyes too “close-set…made him look retarded” (Diaz 20). Yunior says of him that he “wore his nerdiness like a Jedi wore his light saber…couldn’t have passed for Normal if he’d wanted to” (Diaz 21). The way Yunior (Diaz’s narrator) words it, Oscar didn’t want to hide his nerdiness. It was who he was, and he was ok with that.

The fact that girls don’t love him back seems to be what most makes Oscar feel unattractive. When he falls in love with Ana and is still hoping she might love him, too, Oscar “wakes up feeling like he’d been unshackled from his fat” (Diaz 40). He seems to simply want others to accept him as he is, but they refuse. The white kids think he’s black because of his skin color; the “kids of color” can’t accept him as Dominican because of the way he speaks and moves. He does not fit into any of their versions of who he should be. Even the narrator, especially the narrator, Yunior, can’t accept Oscar’s size. As he writes about him, he calls him “the fat loser”, “some fat kid I roomed with”, “the gordo”, “that fat homo Oscar Wilde” (which is of course where he gets the nickname Oscar Wao), “his monstro-ness”, and “fatboy” to name a few (Diaz 176-181). Yunior goes on a mission to change Oscar into a more acceptable version and fails miserably, damaging their relationship in the process. Oscar shuts him down in no uncertain terms and firmly remains himself.

So I don’t spoil the ending, I will reserve the comments about self-acceptance I was planning to mention. I simply would like to point out that Oscar is fine with who he is and the consequences of his choices by the end of the novel. I am not arguing that his mindset is necessarily the mentally healthy or smart path to take, but he does not seem concerned with his appearance at all by the end of the book. And perhaps that is a bit of the humanity that Yunior needed to learn in the process of writing this book. (Yes, I know the real author is Diaz, but I’m going with the story here of Yunior as author and life lessons learned from Oscar being a thing.)

Works Cited

Diaz, Junot. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Riverhead Books, New York, 2007.

Essays, Writing

A Court of Wings and Ruin (ACOTAR Book Review 3)

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All images created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompts using AI on Gencraft.com website.

WARNING – SPOILERS

A Court of Wings & Ruin, the 3rd book in the ACOTAR series, held its own in the cannon. It was not my favorite of the books but was a necessary middle step to Feyre righting her life and fully coming into her own. She must make more heartbreaking decisions to save herself, save those she loves, and end things once and for all with her past relationships that keep weighing her down.

I like that the book is messy, things don’t go as planned quite often, pivots must be made, and even immortal beings must repeatedly circle back to try to fix things over and over again. It feels very human, very relatable to not have everything be an easy win as these magnificent beings battle their way to try to save the world. There are gigantic beasts, ulterior motives, dark ancient magic, impossible choices, and unlikely alliances.

Elaine (Feyer’s sister) begins to come into her own as she wrestles with her powerful gifts in this book. And her lack of interest in the being to whom fate has declared her a mate is a fascinating twist. Nesta must figure out how to live in this world she hates, and grapple with why she is strangely drawn to Cassian. I love that her character is super cantankerous. She is not very likeable, and that makes her interesting. She doesn’t seem to care about being liked. Feyre and her mate keep our hearts pounding with their love. And Mor’s secrets about her love life are a perfectly revealing piece of the puzzle.

I must say that the deaths in this book had me sobbing. I will say no more about that, so I don’t ruin anything too grievous for anyone. I will simply say that the toll of war is well-depicted and heartbreakingly devastating.

Maas, Sarah J. A Court of Wings and Ruin. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2017.

Essays, Writing

Your Subconscious Brain Can Change Your Life (Book Review)   

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All images created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompts using AI on Gencraft.com website.

I struggled to finish Your Subconscious Brain Can Change Your Life by Dr. Mike Dow. Though the information is fabulous, and the techniques seem like valuable hypnotherapeutic practices, it felt like a medical textbook. That said, in the back of the book is a link to recorded resources for retraining the subconscious by listening to scripts. I have only just begun listening to them, but think I might have stumbled across some really helpful tools this way. Perhaps I should have listened to this book as an audio book, rather than reading it.

The practice is called Subconscious Visualization Technique and is recommended to be paired with other more traditional methods like medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, etc. The author shows in study after study that SVT, when paired with other strategies, boosts recovery, decreases pain, and increases positive desired effects beyond traditional strategies only. And in some cases, SVT alone outpaces the traditional treatments.

The mind can be a very powerful ally if we learn to partner with it, train it, and set it to work on the systems that run these complex machines we live in. Though I cannot recommend the book as an enjoyable read, it is certainly an excellent resource and provides access to hypnotherapeutic recordings via links in the back that could prove invaluable. I have only listened to one so far, so the jury is still out, but I plan to continue listening to them and seeing how they help with reducing pain and inflammation, and increasing joy and contentment in my life.

Dow, Dr, Mike, Your Subconscious Brain Can Change Your Life, Hay House, Inc., 2019.

Essays, Writing

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR SELF (Book Review)

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All images created by Rebekah Marshall’s prompts using AI on Gencraft.com website.

I highly recommend What to Say When You Talk to Your Self by Shad Helmstetter, PhD. As a practitioner of positive self-talk for years, I was thrilled to find a book that helped to explain some of the basic reasoning behind the practice, as well as a framework with clear instructions for the most productive forms of self-talk.

The concept is outlined as such:
Programming creates beliefs.
Beliefs create attitudes.
Attitudes create feelings.
Feelings determine actions.
Actions create results.

The general idea is that we are programmed by others from the second we are born without any choice in the matter. Much of the results we are experiencing in the present are due to that programming that may or may not suit our true selves. We may not even realize that some of our deeply held beliefs, attitudes, and feelings are because of programming that might not even be accurate. We have acted on these beliefs, attitudes, and feelings building our lives, sometimes with faulty programming.

This book is about rewriting our own code through more carefully structured instructions to our subconscious that will in turn make our lives easier as we work toward outcomes that are more in line with our current ideals. I think I just really love the idea that there is something we can do to dig in deep and rewrite the underlying messages.

My first script that I began today is as follows:
I practice positive self-talk every day and make it a permanent part of my life by monitoring my thoughts and speech, editing all negative messaging, and listening to self-talk sessions a minimum of 15 minutes each day.

I’m going to experiment on myself for 90 days and see if any improvements occur in my life. I’ll do a follow-up post with anything I notice after 90 days.

Helmstetter, PhD, Shad, What to Say When You Talk to Your Self, Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1986.